My book

[Retlaw83]

I was under the impression that was what happened with Warcraft, but for Starcraft Blizzard just went, "Hey, let's blatantly rip off 40k!"

[Superhaze]

I think it was settled out of court when the 40k's realized they missed out on becoming the owners of koreas national sport. But I dont read gaming-blogs and dont really follow this shit, so I'm probably wrong. Or to put it more correctly, the guy at the pub who told me this is probably wrong.

[Retlaw83]

If Games Workshop sued, they'd be opening themselves up to lawsuits from every property they've ripped off.

[rad resistance]

Retlaw you can read me the story before bedtime.

[Retlaw83]

Only if I get anal.

[Megatron]

i have wrote a bit of a book but im not going to post it here due to its emotional nature dudes but now i writ it i dont know what to do with it i thought id print off some copies and take them to a junk shop because then somebody would pick it up and be like HURRR

[Psychoul]

From what I hear, Starcraft is a collection of scifi cliches....

Yes, i agree with that. It really is. But thats also what makes it so good, imo. They managed to put it all together in a very fast paced RTS game.
The story in Starcraft just didnt 'click' for me either, but i really loved the story(campaign) in Starcraft 1.

[Retlaw83]

As I sit here printing out multiple copies of this book for people I know to read, I have come to realize duplex printing combined with a printer tray that can't take more than 50 pages at a time is a harsh mistress.

[Frater Perdurabo]

Isn't accusing me of having a lack of imagination with the names also accusing Starcraft of the same?

I wouldn't be able to tell since Starcraft is the only involvement I've ever had with sci-fi.

[POOPERSCOOPER]

This sounds a bit like Mr. Teatime, he also made a book and it did horrible because no one would publish it so he released it for free and no one read it.

http://jonathandalton007.blogspot.com/

You can find his book there.

[Megatron]

I seem to have just deleted all my Fallout New Vegas savegames. Aaaaaaarrrrrggggggg 9:13 AM Nov 9th via web

http://twitter.com/j_dalton1/

[Gimp Mask]

@jesawyer Bet it feels good to get a Fallout game released, and to such glowing reviews too?
1:11 PM Oct 19th via web in reply to jesawyer

[Retlaw83]

This sounds a bit like Mr. Teatime, he also made a book and it did horrible because no one would publish it so he released it for free and no one read it.

It's the opposite of Teatime, because I'm putting it out to get people's opinions on the negative parts so I can publish it easier.

[Tofu Man]

Well I read the first chapter, question now is can you be arsed to read some criticism? You gotta promise not to feel offended, though, 'cause when people ask what I think I never just say "I liked it". I guess that kinda defeats the purpose.

[Retlaw83]

I'm open to honest criticism if it's not abusive. If you say, "I didn't like this part for these reasons," I evaluate it to establish whether it lies outside your area of interest, or if there are problems that need corrected. If the criticism is something like, "You're awful at writing and should quit," I'd disregard it.

[Alister McFap II Esq.]

Honest criticism:

TL;DR

[Tofu Man]

You're awful at writing and should quit.

Now seriously, I'm just asking if you've got thick skin. The only "editing" (I'm not a pro) I've been asked to do ended with me looking like a dick because I was right while everyone else thought otherwise and was ultimately shown wrong.

Anyways I'll get some out of the way for now, more to come if I get the chance, providing it's worth any to you.



First Page:

High above Carpe Base on Pluto, the flag of the United Terran States, which was affectionately called the Phoenix and Globe by those who lived under it, flew.

This is your opening line, and you give us four elements of which we the readers know nothing about.


Problem 1 - Too many elements. You have to remember you're writing for a completely ignorant target. This isn't a fanfic where everyone that's going to read it automatically knows who First Citizen Lynette is, so you're going to have to slow down your info input in order not to alienate the reader.


Problem 2 - Emphasis on what interests the reader. Ok you've got 4 elements. Again, and in order of interest: UTS; Pluto; Carpe Base; Flag. That's what I want to know about and in that order, not why the flag has a red stripe somewhere. That flag description is (at this point) completely irrelevant and much more suited to a slower part of the story (for instance when the 6star gen is waiting for the 10 minute relay to Pluto; alternatively much, MUCH later in the story).


Problem 3 - The EKBO description. Is this relevant info at this point? It isn't, is it? Bump it 'til later.


Problem 4 - Pluto's description. Pluto is alien. To us and to your characters. Here it should be the job of the narrator to "bring it down to earth" so we can mentally project how it feels to be on Pluto. We need info, visual info, what colours, the geography, how the light looks so far from the sun, how the sky looks with that small atmosphere, the gravity, how it feels to walk on it. And you basically deliver only a small science briefing. For instance "(...)the methane and nitrogen composing it inefficiently dispersing the solar energy(...)". That doesn't help readers to paint a mind picture of what Pluto should look like, does it?

Also, be sure to close out Pluto's description with this line: "By some twisted design of nature, extreme cold made what was soft hard, and what was hard fragile."




So how to go about it?

First off focus on the flag. Imagine zooming out from the phoenix's eye. Go Phoenix (colour info; the bird's facial expression) -> Europe, America and Africa -> made of plastic. Why plastic? BAM, Pluto. Now describe Pluto (remember to do your best so the reader can "see it" using the least amount of effort) and when you end the description, point out the Base. There's your first scene. Don't worry about not having had a chance to explain the UTS up until now. So far as the dialogue goes, should you point out that Stevens is UTS army and the Sol guy is a civilian contractor then the conversation will let the reader's imagination fill in the blanks for now.


Remember that the first page is the single most important page in the book. It's either going to capture the reader or lose it. You shouldn't be afraid of completely rewriting the it and trying out different things and seeing what fits best. Most important however is making damn sure you're pulling out all the stops when writing it.

[Retlaw83]

Thanks for the input. This is why it's important for other people to read this; just because I know what I'm talking about doesn't mean other people do.

It seems I have all the elements I want, just not in a flow that's easy to get going with. I'll rework it based on your advice and update the chapter on deviant art. The suggestion to focus on a small detail and blossom out for the opening is genius.

In my opinion, once the information at the beginning is out of the way the rest of the book is a lot smoother; I just need to get the beginning as smooth.

[Retlaw83]

I fixed up the first chapter some. No "info dump" until page 9, and even then it's relatively short, and I worked the description into Kaitlyn Steven's viewpoint.

Following Tofu's advice, I tried to go seamlessly from the flag, to Pluto's terrain, to Kaitlyn's viewpoint. Hope I succeeded. Might be typos because I'm tired.

[Alister McFap II Esq.]

So considering that you might want to release the book IF it ends up being good (due to the input from the members on this forum), wouldn't that mean that anyone who has contributed to this book should get royalties?

I've taken myself the liberty of archiving the manuscript and this thread, for future reference.