The Radiated Society Episode One - A Fallout Sitcom

[rad-x]

EPISODE ONE

THE END

[Nicolai]

I didn't read it, but I'm sure that it was totally awesome. Three Kashluks.

[Naked_Lunch]

Summarize in 10 words or less, plz.

[hat_man99]

Fallout, sitcom, funny, good try, to long to read, Goatse

[rad-x]

Bye.

[Naked_Lunch]

Um, hello?

Why the fuck did you delete all of it for, mang?

[Nicolai]

You made him leave, Lunchie.. You.. BASTARD!

[Naked_Lunch]

Wow, I feel horrible.

[POOPERSCOOPER]

I want to read it. Put it back up and be proud of your work like god wants you too.

[Blargh]

If it weren't for the rather visible edit, I'd almost believe this were a parody of that moronic show Little Britain . . .

[Fez]

You're such a meanie NL, but I still love you.

[Naked_Lunch]

You and me fez, BEST FRIENDS 4 EVA!

[rad-x]

Calling whoever a 'meanie' or feeling any sympathy is pointless because in posting this I wasn't looking for forum acceptance or praise/criticism. I wrote this 15 months ago and I've got more than enough critical feedback in that time. I asked a specific question about it. And if that question wasn't going to be answered, there wasn't any point in keeping this here.

[DAC]

IM BACK BITCHES

[Nicolai]

I think that I found TEH FIC.

http://www.geocities.com/falloutcausality/trsep1.html
http://www.geocities.com/falloutcausality/trsep2.html

[DAC]

Put it back i didnt get to read it

[Naked_Lunch]

TEH RETURN!

Scene – Stapes’ Room. Sunday Night.

Stapes sits at his desk, elbow on table and hand on head, looking tired as he scribbles a calculation onto his form. He sighs and drinks from his bottle of Miller Genuine Draft. Scotty then walks in smiling, with a huge pile of paperwork for him.

Scotty: Stapes. I’ve got something I need you to do.
Stapes: What is it now? Can’t you see I’m bushier than Groucho Marx’s moustache?
Scotty: I think the word you are looking for is ‘busier’.
Stapes: The insomnia created by my job is starting to get at me.

Scotty then drops the paperwork onto Stapes’ desk.

Scotty: I’m sorry you feel overworked Stapes, but we all have to do our bit.
Stapes: No we don’t! This is only optional. I demand gratitude!
Scotty: We are a non-profit organization helping out these people by allowing them a place to live, eat and make sweet love for only a tiny amount of rent, for which our services can be funded.

Stapes snorts.

Stapes: Non-profit organization? We don’t buy anything. I repeat - we have no expenses. All the food is just there in the storage levels, the electricity keeps on reproducing itself and we don’t hire prostitutes. So you tell me how we don’t make any money.
Scotty: I save it up for a rainy day.
Stapes: Rainy day?! This is the wasteland. Sun – all the time!
Scotty: I meant figuratively. But, point taken. I promise to spend the money we make from this paperwork.
Stapes: What is it?
Scotty: It’s a Vault Re-Registration thing. Some kind of huge wasteland census is being conducted by NCR. We get 1000 dollars for taking part.
Stapes: You better spend it on something good. I’m not wasting my time for a rainy day that isn’t gonna happen.
Scotty: A new Pool Table?
Stapes: Nah. Something nice. You know, like a few holodisk-encoded movies.
Scotty: I’ll put a vote on it. If you promise one thing - Don’t screw the form up.
Stapes: I’ll do it right. There is no try.
Scotty: Only in computer games.
Stapes: Of course! Computer Games! Virtual Reality head sets!
Scotty: I’ll think about it. Goodnight.

Scotty waves and walks out the room, leaving Stapes to rhythmically beat his head off the desk.

Scene – Proconsul Meeting Room. Monday Morning.

Scotty is at the podium, preparing to address the Proconsul Members. At the long couch in front of him are Pip the sergeant, Rad the scribe, Gauss the designer and Slurry the Senior Council Member. But as of yet, Stapes has not arrived. In protest at this, Rad stands up to speak.

Rad: (shouts) Start for goodness sake! I’ve been waiting here for three whole minutes!
Pip: I second that motion.
Gauss: I third it.
Slurry: Relax guys. Scotty, give Stapes a call on the intercom.
Scotty: That’s not my job! It’s on the charter. See, it’s Rad’s job.
Rad: Why is it my job? I’m the Head Scribe for goodness sake. I just write things.
Scotty: Exactly.

Scotty holds up the scroll of rules and begins to read.

Scotty: ‘In the event of a member being absent unauthorised, the Head Scribe shall write and send the telegram to this member’s room requesting his appearance, or send closest form of possible communication and…’

Scotty tails off as he reads something then places the scroll down.

Rad: And?
Scotty: And what?
Rad: You were going to say something there. What?
Scotty: Just some meaningless, ancient rule.
Rad: What is it?
Scotty: Nothing!

Rad runs up and has to wrestle the scroll from Scotty’s hand.

Rad: Let’s see now. ‘and… then whip the latecomer in the behind the same number of times as the number of seconds he has been late!’ Brilliant! Where’s my whip?
Scotty: Don’t be stupid!
Slurry: Relax guys. Rad, although I don’t want to dwell on the sexual innuendo of the whip, I think that you would have to whip yourself 360 times for your late appearance last week.

Rad pauses, thinks, scratches his chin and nods.

Rad: Cheers Slurry. Right, I’ll phone him.

Scene – Stapes’ Room. Monday Morning.

In Stapes’ room the phone is ringing, but since Stapes isn’t here, no-one is picking it up.

Scene – Outside Proconsul Meeting Room. Monday Morning.

Stapes, looking more tired than last night, comes flying down the corridor to the Proconsul and sees Andrew and Phox, the two executive consultants (the ones that take over should Scotty take a leave of absence), listening in through the door.

Andrew: Hello Stapes.
Stapes: Have they started yet?
Phox: Yep. Stapes, you look like shit.
Stapes: I feel shit.

Phox and Andrew laugh uncontrollably at this.

Andrew: You better change your panties then Stapes!
Stapes: Oh, grow up!

Phox then retrieves a hand-held tape recorder from his pocket.

Phox: I can’t wait to put that bit on the computer. Your head on a baby’s body Stapes – (plays Stapes’ track) ‘I feel shit’!

Phox and Andrew laugh again. Then Stapes then leans into them, eyes menacing.

Stapes: Listen here you weirdo’s! You may be executive consultants, but I promise to contract Ebola if it will stop Scotty from having to take a leave of absence. I will never let you guys be Overseer. Never!

Stapes opens the door and enters the Proconsul Meeting Room.

Phox: One day, I will rule this vault.
Andrew: Until then, keep the tape recorder on the door Phox! We need to know what’s happening.

Scene – Proconsul Meeting Room. Monday Morning.

Stapes rushes in and onto the couch.

Scotty: You’re late Stapes.
Stapes: Yeah, and it’s your fault!
Scotty: How is it my fault?
Stapes: Because that Re-Registration form wanted me to list everything. It’s mad! Every single person’s personality, DNA, date of birth, weight. It would have been easy if I could have uploaded the info from the Vault Archive, but for some reason the form wouldn’t accept that Rad was male! It kept on rubbing it out when I wrote it in.

Rad is stunned by this. Everyone else thinks Stapes is drunk.

Rad: You what! What are you trying to say?
Stapes: Nothing!
Rad: Where’s my whip!
Slurry: RELAX!
Stapes: Shut up! I am getting sick of this! I am living in a Vault with an Overseer who copies the style of the Japanese General in charge of the Bridge of the River Kwai! I am getting made fun of by two freaks who will go on to run this place when Scotty drinks his last glass of toilet cleaner! I have to listen to an Australian man with so little stress you want to go back in time and do the necessary murdering to put him in an orphanage! AND to top it all off, I am being threatened by violence or sexual depravity by a git that can’t find his whip! Now can we get this shit over and done with…NOW!

Silence.

Scotty: (shocked) Well. Well, well, well. Well I never! I never! Stapes! So what! Are you saying Pip and Gauss are perfect is that it! Eh? And what about yourself, you ugly bastard!
Slurry: (angry) WOULD YOU ALL FUCKING RELAX!
Scotty: Let’s get this damn thing over with! Okay, do we want to let Arcanus back in? Hands?

No one raises their hands.

Scotty: Okay, Arcanus will remain banned.
Gauss: Wait a second! You didn’t say what to put our hands up for! Such as ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
Scotty: Okay, all for NO.

Everyone except Gauss raises their hands.

Scotty: Okay, and YES.

No-one raises their hands.

Scotty: (angry) GAUSS! WHY DIDN’T YOU VOTE!
Gauss: I couldn’t be arsed.
Scotty: Damn you!
Gauss: No. Damn you, I insist.
Scotty: Forget it!

Pip is trying to keep the giggles in, rather unsuccessfully. Rad elbows him gently.

Rad: (whispers to Pip) Don’t! When someone else laughs I laugh as well!
Pip: (whispers to Rad) Really?
Rad: (whispers to Pip) Yeah.

Scotty continues his speech.

Scotty: Well after what I believe is the successful completion of the NCR Census forms that Stapes has filled in, we now have 1000 dollars to spend. Any ideas?
Rad: A dog.
Scotty: You what!
Rad: You don’t like dogs?
Scotty: No! I do not! They can lick woman’s legs and the owner gets the blame! But when I did it at fifteen, did my father get the blame? NO!
Rad: You aren’t gonna find any good points in anything we say are you?
Scotty: Absolutely not. Which is why we should move on to department speeches. Pip?

Pip walked up to and stood on the podium, while Scotty took his place on the couch.

Pip: Nothing to report.
Scotty: (sighing) Fine. Gauss?

Gauss and Pip swapped places.

Gauss: Nothing new has happened this week guys.
Scotty: (tutting) Oh dear. Before you get up Slurry – do you have anything to say?
Slurry: No.
Scotty: Dear goodness. Stapes?
Rad: Wait a second! It’s my turn now!
Scotty: (shocked) You have news!
Rad: Yeah!

Rad and Gauss swapped places.

Rad: This week I got a novel in!

Monumental Applause ensues! Everyone stands up except Pip, who is smiling and winking at Rad. Rad is suspicious of this, but continues.

Rad: Yeah. It’s a –

Before Rad could finish his sentence, Pip started to laugh.

Rad: It’s a – heh heh.

Pip continued to laugh.

Rad: Heh! Hehe! It’s a… HAHAHA!

Rad collapses on he floor, giggling insanely and rolling about, eyes shut extremely tight, face completely red.

Rad: HAHAHAHA! IT’S… IT’S… HAHAHAHA!

Scene – Proconsul Meeting Room. Monday Morning.

SUBTITLE: 3 minutes later…

Rad: HAHAHA!

Suddenly Rad regains control of his senses. He gets up and as he does he keeps rubbing his eyes and saying ‘Oh’.

Rad: (amnesia-afflicted) Oh… oh… What’s going on?
Scotty: Pip just tricked you into laughing like a giddy schoolgirl.
Rad: Can I go now?
Scotty: What about the novel?
Rad: Oh yeah. It turns out it was a Gideon’s Bible with the word God changed to Michael Jackson.
Scotty: JUST SIT DOWN! Stapes?
Rad: ‘On the Sixth Day, God created man. On the Seventh Day, God changed the shape of man’s nose…’
Scotty: Rad!

Stapes and Rad swapped places.

Stapes: I’ve completed my report on the material of toilet seats relating to the comfort tests of comfort, texture and temperature, and have come to the conclusion that for consistent levels of temperature and comfort, wood is better than metal. Also, I have e-mailed the finished copy of the Census forms to NCR. I have a copy of it still on file which I can show you…now.

After Stapes pressed a few buttons, the plasma screen lit up with a picture of page one of the forms.

Stapes: As you can see, no mistakes.
Rad: I’m 21, not 12!
Scotty: Wait a second! We don’t have a parrot!
Stapes: (infuriated) NO!
Scotty: For goodness sake Stapes! This is a basic task of your position. Can you not at least try harder?
Stapes: I was up all night!
Scotty: (shakes head) Oh dear…
Stapes: I am sick of this crap! We’ve all spoken now anyway. This meeting is officially over. I’m going back to bed.

Scene – Slurry’s Bar. Monday Near Lunchtime.

Slurry is wiping a glass while Gauss sits silently reading a newsletter from New Reno.

Slurry: Did you enjoy the meeting?
Gauss: Hell no.
Slurry: Why not? You were the only one Stapes didn’t insult. Well, apart from Pip anyway.
Gauss: Yeah I know. Now I just feel neglected.
Slurry: Take another drink for goodness sake. It’s not good to get depressed so early on in the day. Wait until you’ve realised the day’s a waste… about 3:25 pm always does it for me.
Gauss: I’m just getting bored of this place again. Do you fancy taking a trip into New Reno? We haven’t done it in a month.
Slurry: No way am I going back there again with you guys.
Gauss: Okay, I admit, last time wasn’t that good…
Slurry: We spent the entire three days looking for Rad!
Gauss: Yeah…
Slurry: It would be alright if he was actually missing. Turned out he never left the car!
Gauss: It’s always the one place you never think of looking.
Slurry: Like true love. I never realised it would come in bottles.
Gauss: Stop drinking for goodness sake. It’s not good to drink heavily so early on in the day. Wait until you’ve realised the day’s a waste… about lunchtime does it for me.
Slurry: It is lunchtime.
Gauss: Get us a drink will you?

Slurry opens a small fridge freezer and gives Gauss a rotgut from it.

Gauss: Cheers.
Slurry: That reminds me. I’ve just heated up a few Scotch pies.
Gauss: Not again! I accept Rad is the Head Scribe, but there should be no rule saying he has to write the menus!

Past (Pastmaster) walks into the bar.

Past: Anything to eat?
Gauss: You can have my scotch pie. I don’t want it.
Past: What’s wrong with it?
Gauss: Nothing. It’s lovely in its own chunk of meat in pastry way.
Past: I’ll pass. I could go for soup though.
Slurry: It’s homemade soup though. Made by Boboj – that’s the only thing he does around here.
Past: What kind of soup is it?
Slurry: It’s kind of yellow with big lumpy bits.
Past: What does it taste like?
Slurry: I don’t know. And it doesn’t smell like anything either.
Past: No smell? It’s hardly food then is it.
Slurry: If something smells bad, you don’t eat it. That’s what your human body is saying to you. Hence, the French are a completely new species. And since the body’s instincts are powerless in deciding whether or not to eat this, we might as well pretend it never existed.
Past: What’s the next food storage level like then?
Slurry: Microwave meals. They only take a minute to make, but pasta tends to taste like rubber.
Past: Anything’s better than yellow with big lumpy bits soup. When do we get at it?
Slurry: Two weeks.
Past: Two weeks! Scotch pies and weird soup for two weeks!
Slurry: You can have some bar peanuts if you want!
Past: Forget it. I’m going to try and forget I’m starving.
Slurry: I wouldn’t bet on you being successful.

Past leaves and when he opens the door, Rad walks in.

Rad: Past.
Past: Rad.

Rad jumps onto a bar stool.

Gauss: Scotch Pie?
Rad: (happy) Definitely.

Scene – Slurry’s Bar. Monday Evening.

SUBTITLE: 6 hours later…

Slurry returns from the bar toilet and then continues to wipe glasses with the same white cloth. Gauss is reading a book while Rad is now asleep.

Slurry: Good book is it?
Gauss: Yeah.
Slurry: What is it?
Gauss: The Oxford English Dictionary.
Slurry: What are you reading that for?
Gauss: It’s really interesting. There are so many different words to make jokes out of, so many songs to write, so many swear words to utilise in the course of conversation!
Slurry: (uninterested) Really?
Gauss: Oh yeah. It’s a whole new world where no one can tell us no, or where to go, or say we’re only dreaming.
Slurry: Don’t get all Disney on me.
Gauss: (afraid) I better put this down.

Gauss does so and just after he does the entire vault except Stapes and Past comes in to the bar – this is Boboj, Andrew, Phox and Scotty. Rad remains asleep. Scotty approaches the bar.

Scotty: MGD’s all round then lads!
Andrew, Phox and Boboj: (enthusiastic) YES!
Scotty: Gauss?
Gauss: (uninterested) Sure, why not.
Scotty: What about Rad?
Slurry: He’s sleeping for his shift. Ever since we voted in the idea of a 24 hour bar he’s had to do the other 12 hour shift while I’m asleep.
Scotty: Doesn’t he do the Head Scribe stuff?
Slurry: He doesn’t do any Head Scribe stuff. And when we find a bar manager replacement for him, he won’t do anything at all.
Scotty: Oh well… Drink up lads!

Scotty takes one huge gulp of his Miller Genuine Draft then breaths an incredibly self-satisfied breath and wipes his lips with his hands.

Slurry: Did you accomplish anything today then Scotty?
Scotty: Just making sure we’re ready to open the next storage level. Remember to pre-order a new toothbrush soon or you’ll be left empty-handed.
Gauss: (sarcastic) The devil you say!
Slurry: (laughs) Agreed! Perish the thought, Scotty!
Scotty: What about you guys then? Did you do anything today?
Slurry: Just working the bar…
Gauss: I read things. I like reading.
Scotty: Yes, well, coming to that Gauss. I’m afraid you will have to cancel your subscription to the New Reno Newsletter.
Gauss: (unhappy) How come?
Scotty: I can’t take the risk of a New Reno family following the delivery man and then taking over the vault.
Gauss: I can.
Scotty: Don’t be so selfish.
Gauss: That newsletter was the one bit of happiness I had. All the news about things about people getting massacred made me realise how lucky I was to be stuck with a bunch of men in a hole in the ground!
Scotty: I’m sorry.
Gauss: I’m really pissed off now!
Scotty: Sorry.
Gauss: I… I’m going to bed. Right now.

Gauss leaves with a tragic walk.

Slurry: (sarcastic) Well done Scotty.
Scotty: What?
Slurry: You’ve destroyed the natural equilibrium of the bar room. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Scotty: (amazed) YOU WHAT!
Slurry: (serious) Go on! Get out of my pub! Go on, get out of it!
Scotty: Idiot!

Scotty leaves and slams the door behind him. Slurry then looks down at his yellow and lumpy bits soup. One of the containers is missing.

Slurry: What the?

Scene – Slurry’s Bar. Monday Night: 9pm.

The bar is empty now except for the still sleeping Rad and the barman, Slurry. Slurry walks over to Rad and pats him solidly on the back.

Slurry: Rad, wake up buddy.

Rad groans.

Slurry: Come on, up you get.
Rad: Gonna get me a drink Slurry. (groans)
Slurry: Sure thing, mate.

Rad moves his head up and looks around. Slurry puts a rotgut on the bar.

Rad: Cheers. It’s a bit quiet for 9 pm isn’t it?
Slurry: Yeah. I cleaned the place out for you. This should make it an easy shift.
Rad: You’re a real gent Slurry.
Slurry: Don’t I know it. Enjoy yourself.
Rad: I’ll try.
Slurry: Bye.

Slurry puts on his jacket and then leaves the bar.

Rad: Bye. Just me and the only music album is Olivia Newton John. Damn!

Rad walks around the bar and then decides to go back to sleep again.

Scene – Slurry’s Bar. VERY EARLY Tuesday Morning: 2 am.

Rad is slumped on a barstool, bored out of his mind. He is yet to have a SINGLE customer.

Rad: This is pointless!

Rad gets the keys from the bar, puts on his jacket, but when he opens the door to leave, Stapes goes to walk in.

Stapes: Going somewhere Rad?
Rad: Doesn’t seem like it.
Stapes: Miller Genuine Draft please.

Rad reluctantly walked to the bar and fetched a bottle of MGD from the small fridge. Then he handed it to Stapes.

Rad: Still working hard then Stapes?
Stapes: Yeah. Some guy called Draconius Galactica wants to come here. As soon as I heard the name I thought he was joking… turns out it’s his real name. Seems I offended the poor fella.
Rad: Where’s he from then?
Stapes: New Reno. Seemed like a decent enough chap really. In return for being able to use the medical facilities here, we could use his sizable flat as a sort of safehouse.
Rad: So he’s rich then?
Stapes: Yep. Most wasteland doctors are. Especially ones from Reno - they live off the mob’s wounded.
Rad: God, I miss New Reno. I’ve spent the entire day sleeping in this pub.
Stapes: You need to get out more.
Rad: I know. As soon as we get another barman for the 24 hour bar I’ll be outside again, pretending to write a novel.
Stapes: Sorry about voting YES on the 24-hour bar.
Rad: Don’t worry about it – so did I. Seemed like a great idea at the time you know.
Stapes: Am I your first customer?
Rad: I’ve never had a customer as late as this I can tell you that. I had Pip come in at midnight once and stay for an hour and a bit… coming to that, where is Pip anyway? I haven’t seen him since the meeting.
Stapes: He’s got a girlfriend.
Rad: Got a girlfriend? Girlfriend? Pip? When? Where? Who? HOW!?
Stapes: She’s called Francesca. I wouldn’t be too jealous, she’s got more muscles on her than Mike Tyson. She’s the bouncer outside the Black Spot Bar in Dirt Haven.
Rad: Still, I can’t help but envy him.
Stapes: Yeah I know what you mean. I haven’t had a date since I left the dating agency.
Rad: You were at a dating agency?
Stapes: Oh yeah. Met a couple of nice women there. Most of them turned out to be men.
Rad: (shocked) WHAT!
Stapes: Yeah I know. When I got the same guy called Steve wearing a different coloured wig for the sixth consecutive time I cancelled my membership!
Rad: Was Steve your last date?
Stapes: (anxious) Don’t say that! What if someone walks in just as you say I went out with someone called Steve?
Rad: It’s never gonna happen!
Stapes: It’s happened to me before. Someone walked in when I was talking to Scotty about the time I lit a firework and then tripped over a petrol can sending it into the firework and then a few things happened, resulting in setting fire to my clothes which I then managed to scramble off… and then I was completely naked but completely healthy, but my mum wouldn’t take the risk that I might have been burnt and shoved me still completely naked into this pool and asked her friend’s teenage daughter to come and help her scrub me down, and she went right for my groin…

From the direction of the door, someone laughed. Rad and Stapes, who had already heard this laugh today, knew it was Pip.

Stapes: (resigned to embarrassment) See what I mean?
Rad: Yeah.
Stapes: So what was your last date?

Rad is silent.

Stapes: You what! You mean you’ve never been on a date! Rad Wasteland, the guy with a name befitting a post-apocalyptic James Bond, has never been on a date!

Pip: (from outside the door): HAHA!

Rad slaps his face.

Stapes: What’s the story?
Rad: I was brought up in Klamath. It’s a kind of merchant town. Well since there was a bathhouse nearby where prostitutes bathed people, my mom never really let me out the house. I never really got that many friends my age and by the time I was 16, I just wanted to leave. So I set out to explore the wasteland and got a job on a caravan… and a few months later, I ended up here. And so, here I’ve been.
Stapes: But you have… you know…
Rad: Yeah. I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. Pip bought this strange whip-wielding dominatrix woman for my birthday on a one night stand thing… I think wanting to whip you at the meeting had something to do with it. I wanted some kind of revenge for myself for that night.
Stapes: That’s fucking tragic shit you’ve got there.
Rad: (shrugs shoulders) Not really.
Stapes: I promise you, next time we’re in Reno, I’ll get you a date.
Rad: And I’ll get you one too.
Stapes: We’re getting a bit ahead of ourselves. There’s no way we’ll ever get back to New Reno if Scotty has his way.
Rad: Overworking you has he?
Stapes: Hell yeah. I’ve just finished work just before I came down here. It would be alright if he did something.
Rad: Come on, he works hard too.
Stapes: Okay, but does his work ever make any slightest noticeable difference?
Rad: Em…no.
Stapes: See! I tell you, one more bit of unjustified criticism will drive me over the edge!
Rad: He’s new to this Overseer business. Give the man some time to re-analyse his expectations of us.
Stapes: (not listening to Rad) One more bit of criticism…

Scene – Outside the Vault. 6:30am Tuesday Morning

A group of people in white clothing approach the vault. They look vaguely like scientists. Victor is the leader.

Victor: Here we go. What wonders lie inside?

Victor walks over to the vault door and spoke into the intercom.

Victor: Hello?

Silence.

Victor: Hello?
Pip: Hello.
Victor: Who is this?
Pip: Francesca! Gonna get off me! I’m trying to do my job!
Francesca: I had another ‘job’ in mind!
Victor: Hello?
Pip: Yeah, you said that Mr…
Victor: Mr. Victor Smith.
Francesca: Love me Pip!
Pip: I suppose I could do both ‘jobs’ at the same time!
Francesca: That’s my boy!
Pip: Wrong! That’s your tiger! Rawr! (tiger noise)
Victor: Hello?
Pip: That is the fourth time you’ve said that.
Francesca: Oh Pip!
Pip: Oh Francesca!
Victor: I need to speak with your Overseer.
Pip: Fran…CHES… CA!
Francesca: P…I…P!
Victor: Would you just let me in!
Pip: AAHHHH!
Francesca: AH!...AH!...AH!...
Victor: Let me in!
Pip: You could have just asked!

The door opened and Victor and his other white-suited colleagues walked in to the vault. As they walked in, they found Scotty walking around naked.

Victor: Hello?
Scotty: Aargh!

Scotty covered himself up with his hands.

Scotty: Who the hell are you?
Victor: Dr. Victor Smith. Are you the Overseer?
Scotty: Yes!
Victor: Here is your 1000 dollars. Now please leave the premises!
Scotty: It never said that in the Census contract!
Victor: I think you’ll find according to the ‘Conservation of Endangered Species’ tickbox, which you ticked, you must leave.
Scotty: What endangered species?
Victor: It seems you have the last surviving parrot in the wasteland.
Scotty: Oh my God. I will kill Stapes for this! I will kill him!

Scotty arm’s were up in the air in rage, but then quickly fell back down to his privates when he realised he was in the nude.

Scotty: You can’t make us leave!
Victor: No. But the NCR Rangers can.
Scotty: This is not the start to the day I was hoping for.

Scotty ran over to the Vault loudspeaker system. The following dialogue was broadcast into every room of the vault.

Scotty: We are leaving the vault! NOW! Get off your asses… NOW! All of you guys up here NOW!

Scene – Slurry’s Bar. Same time as in previous scene…

Stapes and Rad awoke from their sleep. Rad had been lying down on the floor behind the bar and Stapes had been sleeping on the bar.

Scotty: (loudspeaker system) I said NOW! NOW! AND YOU STAPES, YOU NUMSKULL! YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THIS MAYHEM!

Stapes: Huh?
Rad: It’ll be a joke. I’m staying put.
Stapes: Do you really think so?
Rad: Definitely!

Comically Abrupt Scene Change – Highwayman Car 6:45am Tuesday Morning

The entire vault (including Francesca) have squeezed into the car somehow. Tied onto the top of the roof, Slurry is somehow managing to get some sleep. In the front seats, Gauss is being sat on by Stapes, who is driving, while Scotty is sitting on Rad’s knee. In the passenger seats are Boboj, Past, Andrew and Phox all managing to just squeeze in altogether… while in the boot Pip and Francesca continue their lovemaking.

Pip: OH FRANCESCA!
Francesca: OH PIP!

Everyone except Andrew stare forward trying to ignore the endless screams and squeals of pleasure.

Pip: AARGH!
Francesca: AH!...AH!... AARGH!

Andrew is getting turned on. His hand moves subconsciously towards his zip.

Phox: Past, Boboj, grab his hands quickly!

Past and Boboj manage to restrain him.

Scotty: Calm down back there!
Rad: Don’t blame him. If you weren't sitting on top of me, I’d be at it as well.
Scotty: WHAT!
Rad: Don’t make any sudden forward or backward movements!
Scotty: (petrified) YES SIR!
Gauss: Yeah and Stapes – don’t take off your trousers! Who knows what could get in where!
Stapes: (petrified) OKAY! YOUR IN CONTROL!

Francesca: I am the Chosen One and you are the master!
Pip: The Master of LOVE! OH YES! IT’S THE SECOND WAVE! I FEEL NEW GLADATORIAL STRENGTH! AH! AH!
Francesca: YES! YES! YES! YEESSSSS!

Rad: You’re so damn heavy!
Scotty: Well it’s not my fault!
Rad: Whose fault is it then?
Scotty: Em…mine.
Stapes: I’m really sorry about this, Scotty…
Scotty: (irritated) We’ll discuss it when we get to Reno.

Scene – New Reno. 10:30 am…

The guys (except for Pip and Francesca) leave the car. They have completely forgotten Pip and Francesca. Past is grasping his stomach.

Past: I don’t feel so good…
Scotty: Neither do I.
Past: Not like that! I’m getting really bad stomach pains. I feel kind of…weak.
Scotty: I’ll check your temperature, though don’t expect me to be Momma Scotty!

Scotty’s hand touches Past’s forehead.

Scotty: Oh my gosh! With a forehead that hot, you should be dead! Judas Iscariot is probably cooler than that, and he’s in the fiery pits of hell!
Past: I think I’m gonna faint.
Scotty: SHIT! We need a doctor!
Stapes: I know just the guy! Follow me!

They all go off, leaving Slurry still strapped to the roof.

Slurry: HEY!
Boboj: (smiling) Sorry Slurry!

Boboj helps him down.

Slurry: Cheers!
Boboj: Let’s catch up with the others.
Slurry: Wait… I think we’ve forgotten something.
Boboj: I can’t think what.
Slurry: It’s probably nothing. Let’s go!

As they walk off, Pip and Francesca remain inside the car boot.

Pip: Hello? Hello?
Francesca: It’s unsexily sweaty in here Pip!
Pip: Hello?

Jagged Jimmy J, a drug dealer, walks over to the car, having heard the first ‘Hello?’

Pip: Hello?
Jimmy: Hey.
Pip: Who is this?
Jimmy: Information is power. If you want the power, you have to pay the money!
Pip: Hello?
Jimmy: You’ve already said that. Wait, talking car, I’ve got customers!

Jimmy slowly walks off.

Pip: Hello?
Jimmy: That’s the fourth time you’ve said that!
Pip: (sad) Wah!

Scene – New Reno House Block. 10:35am

The gang (except from you-know-who) have assembled outside the door of an expensive looking house. Stapes and Rad are carrying Past.

Phox: Isn’t it a coincidence that Past has… ‘past’ out!
Andrew: Good one Phox!
Scotty: Quiet!

Scotty knocked on the door.

The door opened and there stood Draconius Galactica.

Draco: Who the hell are you?
Scotty: I am Scotty, the Overseer of a vault. You called us yesterday.
Draco: Yes! To be HUMILIATED!

Stapes stood uneasily at this and Scotty then glared at him.

Scotty: That will be taken care of. I will admit, there is an ulterior motive for me accepting your proposal. My friend is very sick.
Draco: I’ll take a look at him. But I will desire payment.

Scotty put his hand in his pocket and breathed an almost fatherly sigh of relief when he felt the 1000 dollars in it.

Scotty: We should be able to pay you handsomely for your efforts.
Draco: Come in then.

The group walked in and Draco showed them in to his lab. Stapes and Rad moved the unconscious Past onto a hospital-like bed. Immediately a computer beside the bed lit up and printed off a list of statistics.

Draco: Body Temperature is above normal, he’s sweating heavily, he has fainted… this has all the hallmarks of food poisoning!

Slurry: Of course! He must have taken one of Boboj’s soups!
Boboj: HEY!
Slurry: No offence.
Gauss: Yeah. Slurry when you went to the toilet he came in and took one. He said he was hungrier than a Chrysler Car Engine!
Draco: What was in it?
Boboj: Just curry sauce, lumpy potatoes and den-weed and it was meant to be served cold! And it was!
Draco: Excuse me? Den-weed!
Boboj: It’s this weed from the Den!
Draco: I guessed!
Boboj: But it went through customs and was certified as a valid and healthy food product!
Scotty: (evil look in his eye) Oh I see. Can the person who is customs official, please raise their hand?

No one raised their hand.

Scotty: (evil look in his eye) I repeat - Can the person who is customs official, please raise their hand?

Stapes raised his hand reluctantly and looked slightly ashamed.

Scotty: STAPES! YOU ARE FIRED!
Stapes: FINE!
Scotty: FINE!

Stapes stormed off down the stairs.

Scene – New Reno. 10:45 am

A group of men approached Scotty’s car. They were from the Chop Shop.

Guy No.1: I like! I like!
Guy No.2: Sweet wheels man!
Guy No.3: Is the owner about?
Guy No.2: No!
Guy No.1: Let’s go!
Pip: Hello?
Guy No.3: Did you hear something just there?
Guy No.2: Nah!

With a few quick turns of a lock pick into the car door, the door was open and the guys from the Chop Shop drove off to their garage.

Scene – Shark Club. 11:30 am.

The Shark Club was bustling with the sounds of conversations and slot machines. People screamed in happiness and in anger and there was the sound of booing as a terrible comedian tried his best not to ‘die’ on stage. At the bar sat Stapes, sipping a bottle of warm Gamma Gulp Beer and yearning for a cool bottle of MGD. Rad had followed him, and he sat down beside him.

Rad: What have you got there Stapes?
Stapes: (discontented) Gamma Gulp Beer.
Rad: (to barman) A Gamma Gulp Beer please, sir.

The barman delivered the bottle.

Rad: This bottle’s about as cold as the inside of Mount Vesuvius!
Stapes: (uninterested) Good for you.
Rad: Cheer up.
Stapes: I don’t want to cheer up. I like being in bad moods.
Rad: Really?
Stapes: Oh yeah. I make it very hard to get out of them.
Rad: What can get you out of a bad mood then?

Before Stapes could answer, someone called his real name from the back.

Older voice: Reginald!
Younger voice: Reginald!

Stapes turned round and saw his mother (Anna) and his sister (Sissy).

Stapes: (joyful) MUM! SISSY!

Stapes ran over and they all had a huge group hug. Rad looked at then younger woman. She was a babe. Rad then took a huge gulp of his beer and gave a sharp ‘Oooo!’ breath when he looked at Sissy. Nice ass, breasts, face, hair, legs and if she could love Stapes she was a nice person too. Rad just prayed she wasn’t too nice however.

Stapes: (jubilant) Come on, sit down!
Sissy: What’s your friend’s name?
Rad: (To Sissy) I’m yours.
Anna: EXCUSE ME!
Rad: Em! Em… I was looking in the bar mirror, sorry! I am mine after all.

Rad then laughed too loudly.

Anna: Good for you.
Stapes: Rad, this is Anna, my mother, and Sissy, my SISTER.

Rad realised that this was either a benefit or a hindrance, depending on how protective Stapes was.

Stapes: So, what are you doing here?
Anna: I’m remarrying. Your father went away on a 10 year long trip to Europe and he told me to find someone new.
Stapes: Huh?
Anna: I’ve met a man called Vic. I met him in Klamath at his shop, but now he’s decided to start a repair shop here in Reno, and we are gonna move in with him!
Stapes: My gosh! This is a bundle of news!
Anna: I’m sorry about the abruptness of it all Stapes!
Stapes: It’s okay, I’ve calmed down now. But what are you doing in this dump?
Anna: To use the toilets. We’ll be back in the second. Come on Sissy.

Anna and Sissy walked off. Rad watched Sissy’s ass closely and quickly looked away when Stapes looked round at him.

Stapes: (happy) That was a turn up for the books!
Rad: You seem happier now!
Stapes: I feel great!
Rad: That reminds me. Stapes, remember when we agreed we’d both get each other dates when we got to New Reno?
Stapes: Oh yeah! See anyone nice?
Rad: Yes actually.
Stapes: Who?
Rad: Sissy.
Stapes: You what!
Rad: Sure! Why not?
Stapes: She’s my sister for goodness sake!
Rad: Come on! You can trust me! You know I wouldn’t try to control her. The only real female relationship I’ve had is with my mother! And that means I’d show her respect and deep love!
Stapes: It also means you’d make her do all the housework!
Rad: Housework? We’re talking about a date, not getting married! Come on Stapes!
Stapes: You’re too old for her!
Rad: What age is she?
Stapes: 23!
Rad: I’m 21! What is she, some kind of paedophile!?
Stapes: The opposite! You’re too young for her!
Rad: I was too old for her and now I’m too young for her!
Stapes: You’re too gay!
Rad: You’re the one who went out with a guy called Steve six times!
Stapes: You’re too lazy!
Rad: I work 12 hour shifts and you’re the one who gets fired because he does his job so badly!

Finally, Stapes was silent.

Rad: Argument equals Game, Set and Match Rad Wasteland!
Stapes: I still don’t know.
Rad: if you don’t let me go out with her, I’ll tell everyone your real name is Reginald.
Stapes: (frightened) DEAL!

Stapes and Rad shook hands.

Scene – Draco’s Lab. 1pm.

Past was still unconscious, but was on the mend thanks to Draconius’ great medical care. Scotty, Slurry and Boboj stare out of the window. Phox and Andrew have gone to get some food out of the car. Gauss is in the toilet.

Scotty: Phox and Andrew are taking their time aren’t they?
Slurry: Sure are. I wonder what could possibly have happened.
Scotty: I hope they haven’t been shot.
Boboj: Nope, here they come.

Phox and Andrew were sprinting towards the house.

Scotty: What’s wrong with them?
Boboj: I don’t know.

A few seconds later, Phox and Andrew walked through the door. They were gasping for breath.

Phox: Scotty! The car’s missing!
Scotty: What do you mean missing?
Andrew: It’s gone!
Scotty: I don’t understand!
Slurry: It’s buggered off!
Scotty: Oh I see! Get down there all of you now! Try and find out where it’s gone. I’ll stay here with Past.

They ran out the door leaving Scotty to shake his head at how bad a day this had turned out to be.

Scene - Shark Club. 1:30 pm.

Stapes and Rad sit impatiently at the bar.

Stapes: 2 and a half hours in the bathroom! What do women do in there?
Rad: Pee.
Stapes: Duh. Wait, how do they take a piss?
Rad: I don’t know. Something do with a urethra.
Stapes: Urethra?
Rad: Yeah Gauss told me in the pub. He saw it in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Stapes: Let’s forget about that. (pointing to man on stage) That guy is the worst comedian I’ve ever seen.
Rad: What’s he called?
Stapes: Sykotik. It says he was the writer of the phenomenally successful Dongo Weener and this is his stand-up debut.
Rad: I wonder why anyone would do stand-up if they could already write their arse off.
Barman: Because he owes the Salvatore’s a lot of money.
Rad: Good reason.
Barman: Can I get you another drink?
Rad: Sure. I just want a Nuka-Cola. Stapes?
Stapes: Rotgut.

The barman, Rad and Stapes exchanged bottles and money.

Then from outside was the sound of gunfire. A gangster with three cronies walked in with Tommy guns and pointed it at the comedian Sykotik.

Gangster: Alright Sykotik! The game’s up. Mr. Salvatore has given you ample time for your repayments and you’ve failed!
Sykotik: BUT!
Gangster: NO! There are no buts in this business kid. See ya later punk!

The gangster pointed his gun at Sykotik. Then Rad stared in amazement as Stapes threw his empty bottle of rotgut at the gangster’s head and knocked him unconscious.

Rad: (amazed) Stapes! That was heroically, amazingly uber-brave thing to do!
Stapes: No. I’m just drunk!
Rad: You never could handle your alcohol!

Sykotik ran over to them.

Sykotik: Thank you SO much!
Rad: Go away! You’re making us a target for the other three guys!
Sykotik: You already are a target!

The three cronies got ready to shoot.

Stapes: FORGET BRAVERY! LET’S BUGGER OFF, LIKE WE’VE NEVER BUGGERED OFF BEFORE!

And to put it quite simply, they did. Stapes, Rad and Sykotik ran through the back door.

Crony 1: Let’s nail the punks!

The three cronies chased after them.

Scene – Draco’s Lab. 1:35 pm.

Scotty still sat vigil over Past’s bed. Suddenly, Past woke up.

Scotty: Welcome back Past.
Past: I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamt we were being chased out of New Reno by the mob!
Scotty: Well, dreams go by opposites, so they say. Anyway, how do you feel?
Past: A lot better. It’s just, I’ve never been sick in my life.
Scotty: It comes to us all eventually. You’ve been in the capable hands of Dr. Draco.
Past: Aargh!
Scotty: No, it’s not like that. He isn’t Dracula.
Past: I was worried there. Where is everyone else?
Scotty: Doing things that aren’t going to be beneficial to your recovery I’m afraid.
Past: Oh. Have you ever been sick Scotty?
Scotty: Loads of times. The most recent injury I had was this ‘hyper-extended’ finger. Past: Really?
Scotty: Yeah. I fell down the stairs when I was drunk and my finger sort of… hyper-extended itself!
Past: What does that mean?
Scotty: Well basically…

Suddenly the door opened and Rad, Stapes and Sykotik burst in.

Scotty: Who the devil is that?
Stapes: Sykotik. He’s a ‘comedian’.
Sykotik: Don’t say comedian like that! I’m a skilled veteran of the comedy circuit!
Stapes: (laughs) Yeah. You’re getting better now!
Rad: Bar the doors! The mob is after us!
Stapes: No time to explain it! Just lock this place down!
Rad: Where are the others?
Scotty: The car got stolen. They are trying to retrieve it.
Draco: The mob is outside my house! Aah!
Scotty: Calm down, shut up and lock up! I’m going to phone them!

Scene – Outside Chop Shop. 1:35 pm.

Slurry, Phox, Andrew and Boboj are looking in with binoculars into the Chop Shop. Suddenly, Slurry’s phone rang.

Slurry: Hello?
Scotty: Where are you?
Slurry: We’ve found the car. It’s in the Chop Shop.
Scotty: You have to get that car. We’ve been surrounded by the Salvatore family. And they have laser guns! It’s a long story. Get that car and we might escape!
Slurry: You got it.

Boboj: Look guys! Pip and Francesca have just stepped out the boot! THEY’RE NAKED!

Scene – Inside Chop Shop. 1:35 pm.

Gunther, the new head of the Chop Shop opened the boot.

Gunther: What the hell is this? Both of you, out now!

Francesca and Pip stepped out completely naked onto the cold floor of the Chop Shop.

Gunther: (enraged) FRANCESCA!
Francesca: (shocked) GUNTHER!
Pip: You know this man!
Francesca: HE’S MY HUSBAND!
Pip: HOLY HELL!
Gunther: I’ll talk to you later, Francesca!

Gunther: NOW! YOU ARE A DIFFERENT STORY! YOU ARE A MAN! AND I HIT MEN!

Gunther picked up a golf club and prepared to hit Pip.

Pip: I need a miracle.

Then the gang flew into the club. Slurry, Gauss, Boboj, Phox and Andrew burst through the door.

Pip: This will do nicely!

Slurry then shot his gun into the air just above Gunther.

Gunther: DUCK!
Slurry: Into the car!

Quickly, the gang squeezed into the car together and sped off through the open door.

Gunther: DAMN!

Scene – Draco’s Lab. 1:35 pm.

The Salvatore family are outside Draco’s House pointing their guns at the windows. This was the time Gauss chose to emerge from the toilet.

Gauss: What’s been happening?
Scotty: Where have you been!
Gauss: I was on the toilet.
Scotty: What were you doing in there?
Gauss: I was reading a newspaper. I like reading.
Scotty: Stay away from the windows. The mob has surrounded us!
Gauss: I go away for a few seconds…
Scotty: Quiet! I’m going to call Slurry again.

Scene – Car. 1:35 pm.

Slurry and the gang are currently speeding away. Boboj and Andrew are annoyed that they have to sit next to the naked Pip.

Boboj: That’s it! Stop the car!
Slurry: What?
Andrew: We are not gonna sit beside this naked chap!
Pip: Come on guys! Do a good deed!

Then Slurry stopped the car.

Slurry: Chuck him back in the boot where he belongs!
Pip: Wait a minute!

Andrew and Boboj then hoisted him into the boot and shut the door.

Pip: Damn the lot of you!

Then Slurry received a call.

Scotty: Hello? Slurry have you got the car?
Slurry: Yes. Scotty I see the Salvatore. I’m gonna drive straight towards them! GET OUT NOW!
Scotty: So be it.

The call ended and the car continued to fly towards the bad guys. Faster and faster and then…

Bad Guy: AARGH! GET OUT OF THE WAY!

Scotty and Co. then jumped through the barred door and jumped into or in Andrew and Phox’s case, ONTO the car. Also with the gang where Draco and Sykotik who had no real choice in the matter.

Slurry: Where do we go Scotty?
Scotty: Home. Where else is there?
Slurry: Let’s go!

The car drove off out of Virgin Street and a few seconds after, the sound of gunfire behind them died away.

Scene – Outside Vault. 5:35 pm.

The gang squeezed off the car and had returned to the vault 11 hours after they had left it and found that it was completely quiet.

Scotty: I wonder what’s happened. Proconsul members, including you Stapes, come with me. The rest of you stay in the car. The NCR Rangers could be ready to shoot at us.

Scotty, Stapes, Rad, Pip, Slurry and Gauss walked cautiously towards the door. Only there was a problem with the door. It was completely broken.

Scotty: What’s happened here?

Then Victor came out.

Victor: What are you doing here? You were told to leave!
Scotty: What’s happened to my door?
Victor: None of your business!
Scotty: Yes it is! This is my vault!
Victor: I’ll get the NCR Rangers here unless you leave.
Stapes: Actually, I think you’ll find that by the destruction of property tickbox, which I ticked, any damage to the property of an NCR-taken vault shall result in the immediate dispersal of conservationists, a cash settlement to the vault owner of $1000 and any extra money needed to repair the damaged property!
Scotty (impressed) Wow! Stapes!
Victor: This isn’t over! Take your damn money!
Stapes: Yeah! Get lost!

The Proconsul watched the white-coated scientists leave the Vault.

Scotty: You came through Stapes! You came through!
Rad: And he saved that comedian’s life!
Stapes: It was nothing, honest.
Scotty: I think you should have your job back.
Stapes: Absolutely.

Scotty and Stapes shook hands on this. Scotty then walked into the Vault.

Stapes: Hey Scotty!
Scotty: Yeah?
Stapes: I quit!
Scotty: You what?
Stapes: I’m resigning because I do it on my own terms. Now according to the vault regulations, if I forfeit my going-away present, I get one favour.
Scotty: This is what you’ve been doing when you should have been working isn’t it!
Stapes: Yep!
Scotty: What’s the favour?
Stapes: I still get into Proconsul Meetings.
Scotty: Done.

They shook hands again.

The remaining people outside in the car went towards the vault, and when they entered it they saw Victor speeding towards them.

Victor: There’s nothing in this contract about damaged property! You lying gits!

They shut the door in Victor’s face.

Stapes: Yeah. But who cares what you think!…PIP GET SOME CLOTHES ON! NOW!

THE END

[Naked_Lunch]

SERIES TWO

EPISODE THREE - 'General Dipshit'

1) Awards Ceremony.

This is a sizable music hall, with lots of fancy dresses, tuxedos and some red carpet present. The show is about to start.

Announcer: And now ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The Evil Fascist Dictatorship Awards! And your host for this evening is… the man known by the showbiz persona of… FALLOUT GOD.

Fallout God walks onto the stage in completely black clothes. Momentous applause ensues.

Fallout God: SHUT IT! I want to be out of here in half an hour! I’m just doing this for some money. I have to pay for some bastard’s kneecap replacement!

The applause subsequently stops.

CUT TO:

In the audience, the StGFC gang sit in rather dirty looking suits.

Stapes: Look at the state of us! We’re dirtier than a Tony Blair dossier. And it’s all Rad’s fault.
Rad: I’m sorry! How was I to know the evil fascist dictatorship city that this award show was being held in would demand the death penalty for someone wearing white socks?
Stapes: It’s a blatant fashion faux pas! Black suit and white socks, indeed!
Scotty: How did you escape by the way?
Rad: Well, just as they were about to shoot me, government propaganda suddenly proclaimed ‘White is Black, Urine is Water and Marlon Brando is Marlon Wayans’. So basically, they were completely brainwashed and thought I was wearing black socks. Easy!
Scotty: (smiling) That was overly convenient, you lucky bastard!
Rad: Oh well, its not like I write this stuff… (Winks and raises eyebrow at camera)
Stapes: Haha! Imagine if you did write this stuff. If you wrote what happens in our vault you’d have to have a mighty sexual obsession with Pip!

Silence.

Rad: (awkward) …Yes… well… anyway! Shame Slurry couldn’t be here.
Scotty: Yes, but he said he was washing his hair for the next week!
Stapes: That is such an excuse. He’s probably going to invite his focus group around – the Nudist Australian Sci-Fi Enthusiast Committee!
Scotty: Probably yes, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. My, isn’t it amazing that only two years ago, FG was drinking in our pub speaking about the world in a less than positive manner. And now look at him, a celebrity, presenting a big-profile award show… in a less than positive manner!
Stapes: Oh yeah. It’s a real rag-to-riches story. Are we up first?
Scotty: Indeed.

CUT TO:

Fallout God: Now the way this works is we start off with the shitty awards before proceeding steadily to the big ones. Here to present the award for Alternative Forms Of Government is up and coming New Reno porn star, Sissy Stapes.

Sissy, Stapes’ sister, walks out onto the stage in very revealing lingerie.

CUT TO:

Stapes looking shocked.

Stapes: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

Everyone in the audience turns round to see Stapes screaming.

CUT TO:

Fallout God: Constipation pills for Aisle Four, please!

Laughter.

Sissy: The nominees for Alternative Forms of Government are: The Hatchery and Conditioning of all Human Beings in the Quest for Universal Happiness Yet Failing Horribly And Managing To Destroy Human Individuality Movement…

Polite Applause. We zoom over on the big screen to see a lot of stereotypical scientists in white coats.

Sissy: … the Masculinist Enforcers for the Prevention of Female Domination…

Polite applause. We zoom over to see a dozen over-muscled men in ballerina outfits. One of the men jumps in front of the camera.

Masculinist: We can dress how we like! I’m a human being! I’ve got as much right to live as any woman!

Sissy: …The New Californian Republic…

The entire audience hisses and boos as President Tandi appears on screen.

Tandi: What? Don’t you fascists understand democracy? We’re the last hope for the Wasteland! The last hope! You are sick bastards! … Anyway, thanks for talkin’!

Sissy: …and finally The Radiated Society.

The cameras turn to the StGFC Gang.

Pip: I’m on telly, mom!
Phox: Save the Whale!
Boboj: Bugger me sideways!
Gauss: I don’t know these weird people! They kidnapped me!

The camera cuts back to Sissy.

Sissy: And the winner is… it’s the Radiated Society!

CUT TO:

The entire StGFC gang jumping up and down!

All: YYYYEEEESSSSS!!!
Pip: I did sod all!
Stapes: What is my sister doing with no sodding clothes on?!

They begin walking down the stairs to the stage, waving to the applauding crowd. They get up on stage, where Stapes glares at the near-naked Sissy.

Fallout God: Where the hell is their award, bitch?!
Stapes: Don’t you call my sister a bitch, Damien!
Fallout God: Watch it, or they’ll be a recap of the Missing Kneecap Incident!
Sissy: To present the award is the friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a cousin of a godfather of a dentist of an Egyptian Pharaoh of a man called Phil of a Pope ordained Jessop the Fourth of a cousin of a daughter of a friend of a friend of a friend… (inhales deeply) …of Henry Kissinger!

A completely bland man walks onto the stage holding the golden statuette and hands it to Scotty.

Bland man: (boring) Here you go. This is your award that you won.
Scotty: YESSS!!! COME ON! WAHEY! … (clears throat) I would like to thank… nah. I would like to thank myself for having a vision. A vision of greatness. A vision that even though you fascists disagree with, you can see the sheer willpower and effort I’ve put in to gain such respectability.

Andrew farts.

Phox: Hahahahahaha!!!
Scotty: Indeed! Would any of you gentleman like to say a word?
Stapes: Yeah, I would. Ladies and Gentleman, tell me this: if you found your 23 year old sister standing near-naked in front of you at an Evil Fascist Dictatorship Awards Show for completely insane nutters, how would you feel? (Stapes points at man in the audience) Yes, you sir!
Man: I’d feel turned on!
Stapes: You’re sick!

Gauss whispers to Rad.

Gauss: (whispers) Watch this, man!

Gauss walks over to the podium.

Gauss: Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to thank the academy, but most of all… I’d like to thank my mama! (Starts fake crying) I remember… when we were scratching a living together by carving rocks in designs we found in the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Phallic Symbolism… (Crying intensifies) I remember… you told me… that if I tried hard enough… I could accomplish… absolutely anything. (Loud crying)

The entire audience bursts into tears. The gang of StGFC however, look disgustedly in Gauss’ direction.

Gauss: (loud, fake crying and looks to the heavens) Here I am mama! Here I am! …I still talk to my mama… , who was killed simultaneously by a Deathclaw, a fire gecko and a disease that rotted flesh at a rate of 1 metre per second when I was only five years old, … in my dreams. I can’t wait… to… to go sleep tonight mama. We… we… we… (very loud crying) we... got lots to talk about.

The evil audience give a standing ovation. There is not a dry eye in the house.

CUT TO:

Some demented looking teenagers with a sign above them saying ‘Best Support Group Nomination – Pyromaniacs Anonymous’ beginning to cry as well.

CUT TO:

The StGFC Gang walking off stage while shaking their heads at Gauss and waving to the applauding audience.

CUT TO:

President Tandi sitting down, with no tears in her eyes, looking sternly in the direction of the StGFC Gang.

President Tandi: Hmm… are they our ally or our enemy?
Advisor: What about adopting a neutral stance?
President Tandi: Neutral is for the neutered, Simpkins!

2) After Show Party.

The gang walks around speaking to various fascists. First, we zoom in on Stapes speaking angrily to Sissy.

Sissy: Don’t give me a lecture, Reginald.
Stapes: Stop calling me Reginald! I’ve changed my name.
Sissy: To what?
Stapes: Stapes.
Sissy: Sorry, sorry – our surname is Stapes.
Stapes: I know. I just like ‘Stapes’ on its own. I’m like one of those Brazilian soccer players like Ronaldo, Rivaldo, Juninho or Bob!
Sissy: You’ve got some unresolved issues bro.
Stapes: I think we’re getting distracted from your present near-nudeness here! How can you do this work? I find it degrading to women.
Sissy: Oh my god! I’m leaving.

Sissy walks away.

Stapes: (calls after her) Yeah! Piss off… em… whore! Get some bloody clothes on! You’ll catch your chill! What you do degrades women and it sickens me!

Sissy leaves the room. Past walks over to Stapes.

Past: Hey Stapes, after this party do you want to go to the strip club? They’re naked in cages getting sprayed with foam!
Stapes: Wahey! Sounds great!

We zoom in on Scotty, talking to a dominatrix woman.

Scotty: Your work must be so interesting.
Dominatrix: No. Once you’ve eaten one penis, you’ve eaten them all.
Scotty: …Okay! … You should really meet Pip, he enjoys the more violent aspects of sex as well.
Dominatrix: Oh honey, I’ve met Pip.
Scotty: ‘Met’ Pip? I take it you did more than meet? I take it you whipped his arse so much it was redder than a Man United football top!
Dominatrix: No. We have just met. He set up a meeting with someone for me once. I needed the work and Pip has the connections in the industry.
Scotty: Really?
Dominatrix: Oh indeed. Pip has been seen as one of the great pioneers of post-apocalyptic conceptions of sexual relationships.
Scotty: And what conceptions are these?
Dominatrix: I do not wish to quote wrongly from the Hallowed Book of Sexual Adventure.
Scotty: Pip’s wrote a book!?

Pip walks by.

Scotty: Pip, come over here! I hear you’ve written a book.

Pip: (walks over to Scotty) Oh hi there, Dominatrix Debra! … oh dear… Scotty, where’s Rad?
Scotty: In the bathroom, why?
Rad: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Rad has left the bathroom and is now staring at Dominatrix Debra.

Dominatrix: Hi Rad.
Rad: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

Rad runs away.

Dominatrix: Aw, that’s a shame. I was his first time as well.
Scotty: Pip, you are evil! How could you do that to Rad, eh?! Set him up with this ugly, ugly, Sado-masochist bitch! He probably lost his virginity with a hot poker up his arse!
Dominatrix: I was just doing my job. Don’t you ever insult me again.
Scotty: Shut it you! Looking at the bulge in your knickers, you’re probably a penis with a woman attached to it!
Dominatrix: Do you dare insult me? Me? Take it back or face the consequences.
Scotty: Shut it you testosterone pump on legs! You hairy penis-woman! You evil, Satanic, total and utter snagglepuss!

Everyone in the room gasps at this last insult, except for Past.

Past: (whispers to Gauss) What the hell does that mean?
Gauss: (whispers to Past) Snagglepuss is the greatest insult in the wasteland! It means ‘liker of Kevin Costner’!
Past: (whispers to Gauss) He said THAT to her!

Dominatrix: … no-one says that to me, Scotty. No-one says that to me.
Scotty: Why not? What are you gonna do about it, you evil cross-breed of a cow and the World Record Holder for the Greatest Percentage of Body covered in hair?!
Dominatrix: Watch and see.

The dominatrix clicks her fingers and within seconds a dozen very bulky guys approach the gang.

Dominatrix: Consider yourselves my prisoners. Consider yourselves my victims.

3) Outside Hall.

Rad runs out onto the mean streets of Malaria City.

Rad: Aargh! Got to get away from here! Got to get away!

Rad tries to open the door to their car and fails due to his petrified fidgetiness.

Rad: Oh come on! Come on! Got to get out!

Rad walks back three paces and trips over the kerb.

Rad: Aah!

Rad gets back on his feet then runs fast towards the car and aims a kick at the door lock. The door stays locked.

Rad: Oooooowwwwwww! Owwwww!

Rad collapses again holding his leg and rolling along the ground. He gets up again. He then takes off his watch and throws it fast against the window which smashes. He then tries to squeeze through the window.

Rad: Ow! Ooooowww! Broken glass! Bugger it! Must get out of here! Must get out! … What the hell am I running away from again?! … oh yeah! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!

Rad jumps on top of the car and sticks his feet into the car sunroof.

4) After Show Party.

Scotty and the gang back away from the now several dozen bulky men holding machine guns.

Scotty: Okay… we’ll… we’ll just be going. Em… NOW!

Scotty runs away in the direction of the exit with the gang close behind him.

5) Outside Hall.

Rad almost managed to squeeze through the sunroof.

Rad: Ow!

He finally gets his head through and then sits down in the driver’s seat. He starts the engine just as Scotty and the gang emerge from the exit.

Scotty: Wait Rad! Stop!

Rad does not hear them and drives off.

From behind the gang, there is the sound of guns being loaded.

Scotty: Oh bugger!

6) Prison– MONTAGE SEQUENCE.

The StGFC Gang are being walked individually through the prison gates at gunpoint.

Dominatrix Debra: (Voiceover) Welcome to the Malaria City Prisons for the Defiant against the contagious tide of Hatred and Depravity.

CUT TO:

The gang being chucked into a dingy, dark prison cell with at least a dozen over people. It is very overcrowded. There is one man lying down in the corner.

CUT TO:

In a separate room, Scotty getting a number stamped on his forehead. The number is 8007.

CUT TO:

Stapes getting the number stamped on his forehead – 8008.

CUT TO:

A rapid amount of clips showing the entire gang getting numbers imprinted on the foreheads. Except Pip…

CUT TO:

Pip being moved into the same position. Instead of being numbered, he is suddenly hit in the face with a fist and collapses.

Dominatrix Debra: (Voiceover) Your time here will be… shall we say… unpleasant.

CUT TO:

A group of heavily armoured guards dragging Pip back to the overcrowded prison cell where the gang are being kept. There is still a man lying on the floor at the corner. The guards open the door, chuck the almost lifeless body of Pip in and lock it again. They walk away and the gang swarm around Pip.

Pip: Bugger.
Scotty: Are you alright Pip?
Gauss: (sarcastic) Yeah, Scotty. He’s orgasmic for fuck’s sake!
Pip: I’ve been better… wait. Why have you guys not been beaten up?
Scotty: I don’t know.
Gauss: I can guess though.
Pip: Well guess away then.
Gauss: Okay. You guys do realise that Dominatrix Debra is in fact the Evil Overlord over this town?
Pip: What?! Only 2 years ago she was getting paid to pump Rad!
Gauss: It may sound crazy but it’s true. From the knowledge she learned from your savage sex book, Pip, she learned how to please the type of gentleman that Malaria City prominently features. And rumours spread and soon she’s pleasing people high up in government and soon she’s pleasing the former Evil Overlord, Castrating Caligula, and soon she’s the First Mistress and soon she’s got a taste for power and soon Caligula is lying dead and she has moved in to take over.
Pip: How the hell do you know that?
Gauss: They’ve dramatised her rags-to-riches story in film. It’s playing at the nearest multiplex.

Gauss takes out a roll of white paper from his pocket, unrolls it and shows the title ‘DEBRA’ in the same lettering as ‘Rocky’, and a picture of her in dominatrix clothes, at a building of which a hundred steps lead up to, jumping up and down (‘Rocky’ again).

Pip: (reads) ‘The tale of one bitch’s story to live the Malarial Dream’?! Bloody hell! But why –
Gauss: But why does she hate you more than us? Well, in many ways Pip you taught her all she needed to know –
Pip: - I didn’t teach her to kill –
Gauss: - you are her master Pip. You are Obi-Wan to her Anakin. You taught her the tools of the trade and in an evil society where books are banned, not only are you a personal threat to her authority but you are also proof of the free… free-er world outside. So in many ways, you are rather buggered.
Pip: Suppose I am…

Pip looks up at the gang and then looks at Stapes and notices the number ‘8008’ on his forehead.

Pip: Stapes…
Stapes: Yeah, Pip, old buddy?
Pip: Why have you got ‘boob’ on your forehead?!
Stapes: What?!
Scotty: Haha! So he does! Hahaha!

Everyone laughs.

Past: Stapes, you big boob!
Stapes: Ah, bloody Malarial bastards!

The laughter dies down.

Pip: Gonna help me up guys.

They help Pip onto his feet. Pip looks around and then notices the man lying down in the corner.

Pip: Oh no. Don’t tell me we’ve got a deadie.
Man: Not at all, dipshit!

The man gets up to reveal an NCR General’s Green Army Uniform.

Man: The name’s Thor, General Thor. How are you dipshits?
Gauss: General Thor… not the General Thor who performed the Thorgrimmson Manoeuvre on the Mexican Raider Invasion Force!
Thor: The very same, dipshit!
Gauss: What are you doing here? Why haven’t NCR got the war hero out?
Thor: Because while I’m here I am a symbol of the NCR Democracy’s struggle against the Evil Forces of Malaria City… plus they were a bit dipshitted off when they found out for the last twenty years I’d been shagging every young female cadet as part of my battalion’s dipshitting admission requirements!
Gauss: Ah… wait, you can get out of this place. General Thor, you escaped from the Enclave Oil Rig prison. You pioneered bullet time in real-life to somehow avoid getting shot in the Raider Execution Camp! You even used a high-velocity boomerang to destroy the entire Chinese Air Force! You can get us out of this!
Thor: You’re right dipshit! I can do this! We will escape! (shouts) Do you hear me Debra!? DO YOU!? WE WILL ESCAPE THE MALARIAL PRISONS! WE WILL ESCAPE!’
All: YEAAAHHHH!!!

Thor then turns round to Stapes.

Thor: Why the hell have you got ‘Boob’ on your forehead, dipshit?!

7) Prison Cell.

The gang and the other prisoners set cross-legged on the floor, while Thor stands to give a debriefing.

Thor: Well, dipshits, we’ve got a prison to break out of. And it isn’t gonna be easy. We’re gonna need a dipshitful of dipshitting cunning, a dipshitful of dipshitting ruthlessness and a dipshitful of dipshitting determination! Now we can’t stay here for much longer. At the moment, we’re all in premium dipshit. But soon Dominatrix Debra will reach the ‘time of the month’ and she’ll be pissed off, she’ll be angry, she’ll be dipshitting venomous! They’ll be some red-hot dipshit coming out of the oven!
Pip: Why? What’s she gonna do?
Thor: Dipshits, I’ve been in this prison for 6 months now.
Man: 5 and a ½ .
Thor: Shut up Lieutenant!
Man: Yes, sir… you big bugger!
Thor: Insubordination! You’re punishment is to go and dipshitting spank yourself!
Scotty: Eh, sorry? Lieutenant? You’ve got one of your men in here with you?
Thor: Yes. A premium dipshit of a skinny, geeky lad is this one. Lieutenant Farcanus.
Scotty: Lieutenant Farcanus? That dings a dong!
Gauss: ‘That rings a bell’, Scotty!
Scotty: We had an Arcanus in our Vault.
Farcanus: Yes, that would be my evil twin, sir.
Scotty: Evil twin? I would hardly call him evil… okay, he stuck that exploding pineapple up Stapes’ arse but…
Stapes: Ow! I feel pain just thinking about it!
Scotty: …but not a bad fellow!
Farcanus: No, indeed, not a terribly bad fellow. Evil twin is just a term, which is useless if not used in comparison with another apparently ‘good’ twin. This is because the two twins will always make some sort of radiation-induced transformation to be the opposite of each other.
Scotty: Explain.
Farcanus: Okay, well… say on a scale of 1 to 100, 100 being most good and 1 being good, but not much. I would be 15 say. Now an evil twin just means the opposite of a good twin. On the ‘bad’ scale, Arcanus would be -15. It’s a post-apocalyptic thing.
Scotty: Where is he now?
Farcanus: He’s working here in the antique dildo collections. He’s a chef. Not a particularly evil chef, but his food still tastes like -
Thor: - Stop dipshitting on Farcanus and get on with that spanking!
Farcanus: Arcanus would have enjoyed this!
Thor: NOW!
Farcanus: No!
Thor: What?! How dare you!
Farcanus: I’ve had it with you Thor! NCR might not want to rescue you but I sure as hell shouldn’t have been dragged along with you to this evil prison.
Thor: I’ll get us out.
Farcanus: No, you won’t. And you know it. We’ve both analysed this situation in our heads for 6 months.
Thor: 5 and a ½.
Farcanus: Forget that. There’s no way out of here. We aren’t getting out. (under breath) And worst of all, I’ve run out of my treatment.
Thor: What?
Farcanus: Nothing. I just said… we aren’t getting out. That’s all said.

A siren then starts wailing and red lights start flashing around the room.

Dominatrix: It is time. Thor. Farcanus. Now, you will go to the Chair of Fear.
Gauss: The ‘Chair of Fear’? Not very original is it?
Farcanus: Oh no!
Scotty: What? What is it?
Farcanus: The Chair of Fear is the chair in which you experience fear!
Scotty: I could have guessed that! You really don’t know what the Chair of Fear is do you?
Farcanus: No, but I can tell it isn’t a bundle of laughs!
Thor: When one goes to the Chair of Fear, one doesn’t come back.

A solitary guard comes along holding a machine gun.

Guard: Farcanus. You are charged with… no, sorry that’s not how it works around here. You are charged with bugger all, you are about to get buggered!
Farcanus: For need of a better word… bugger!

The Guard opens the door and Farcanus steps out with hands raised in the air. The Guard locks the door and gestures Farcanus with his gun along the corridor.

Farcanus: Goodbye my friends. Good luck.

Thor raises his arm in salute. Scotty then notices this and elbows the other guys to do the same thing. Farcanus then walks out of view of the cell and there is an opening and closing of doors. We can hear the noise from inside the room.

Dominatrix: Well, Farcanus. Scared?
Farcanus: Scared?
Dominatrix: Yes, scared.
Farcanus: What do you mean I like ping-pong?!
Dominatrix: Excuse me?
Farcanus: Ping-pong is for the Chinese. I’m descendent from Vikings. Our hobbies include killing 7th century English monks!
Dominatrix: Oh very good Farcanus. Changing the subject at random.
Farcanus: Well, once she got the job on Cable TV, she never looked back!
Dominatrix: It’s too late for wit now Farcanus. Minion, place the evil psychedelic light head mask thing on him!
Farcanus: No, get that off me!
Dominatrix: Computer! Activate the procedure!
Computer: Activating evil psychedelic light head mask thing.
Farcanus: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!! No! No!
Computer: Evil psychedelic light head mask thing activated.
Farcanus: Noooo!!! … wait a second. This isn’t so bad! This is great! I’m having sex! Weeeee!!!

FADE TO BLACK:

Prison Cell.

SUBTITLE: 5 minutes later…

Farcanus: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! My worst fear! The Failure of Scientifically and Catholic Church Approved Contraception!

FADE TO BLACK:

9) Prison Cell.

SUBTITLE: 5 minutes later…

Farcanus: AAAAAAHHHH!!! A TEXAN POPE!

FADE TO BLACK:

10) Prison Cell.

SUBTITLE: 5 minutes later…

Farcanus: AAAAHHHH!! AN ARMY OF WEIRDO BARBIE COLLECTING MIDDLE-AGED BACHELOR MALES IN PINK SHIRTS AND WITH BUSHY MOUSTACHES ARE MOLESTING ME! IT’S ALL TOO MUCH! PLEASE STOP! PLEASE! PLEAAASE! NOOO!!! AAHHHHHH!!!

And then suddenly, there was silence.
More silence.
More more silence.

Stapes: Is he dead?
Thor: I don’t know, you booby dipshit!

The guard then begins to walk back to the prison cell.

Thor: Oh dipshit… It’s me now. It’s me. It’s… hmm… I have a plan.
Scotty: What is it?
Thor: Oh yes. A particularly sophisticated plan. A plan to rival some of my greatest military manoeuvres.
Scotty: Yes, but what exactly?
Thor: Shh…

The guard walks up to the cell and opens the door.

Guard: Thor Thorgrimmson.
Thor: Yes.
Guard: Of the clan, McThorgrimmson.
Thor: Yes.
Guard: Of the birthplace, Thorgrimmson City.
Thor: Yes.
Guard: Of the country, Thorgrimmania?
Thor: Yes!
Guard: Of the continent, Thorgrimmerica?
Thor: YES! Let’s get this over with, shall we?

Thor steps out of the door, which the guard promptly goes down to lock. While he is doing this, Thor quickly knees him in the balls.

Guard: Oooo!!

The Guard falls over. He has managed to lock the door before being hit by Thor.

Thor: Why the dipshit didn’t I think of this before?!

Thor then grabs the guard’s gun, runs away in the direction opposite to the ‘Chair of Fear’ and starts firing the machine gun madly into the air.

Thor: Die, dipshits! Brouhahahaha!!!
Scotty: Come back Thor! Come back and get us out!
Thor: Piss off, you gang of booby dipshits!

There is the sound of a door closing.

Scotty: Bugger!

Then we hear the sound of high heels walking down the corridor. However, Dominatrix Debra does not come into view.

Dominatrix: Your time will come. Oh yes, members of the Radiated Society. Your time will come.
Scotty: What about Thor’s time, eh?
Dominatrix: Thor is already sufficiently corrupted by a need to seek hero status and have his place in history as a great man, which he does by being a bastard! You see Scotty; the Chair of Fear doesn’t kill people. It changes them into evil, twisted… or as I would put it… ‘wholesome’ members of Malarial Society. You will all face the horrors of the Chair of Fear. Except Pip…
Pip: Some good news at last!
Dominatrix: Who will be shot!
Pip: Ah…!

11) Outside TRS Vault, Night.

The Chrysalis Highwayman parks outside the vault. Rad gets out. He is tired and staggers slightly on his way to the Vault Door.

12) Inside Vault.

Rad walks along the sleeping quarters and enters his bedroom to sleep.

FADE TO BLACK:

13) Inside Vault.

Rad walks out of his bedroom.

Rad: Oh well. It’s Monday Morning and I’ve got the Vault all to myself. What to do, what to do.

14) Inside Proconsul Meeting Room.

Rad stands at the podium with a pen and the very long scroll of regulations in his hands.

Rad: Any objections, Proconsul Members?

Silence.

Rad: Okay! It is now illegal for Pip to speak to any woman ever again! Now Proconsul, I say we call a vote. All hands for Pip to be castrated!

Silence. Rad raises his hands.

Rad: A close one but motion passes. 1-0 in favour. Pip will be castrated on… let’s see… Valentine’s Day. That sounds suitably ironic! And how about another motion – if anyone should pronounce the country ‘Ken-ya’ as ‘Keen-ya’, they will be stoned to near death. All hands?

The intercom on the wall then rings. Rad walks over and presses a button.

Rad: Hello?
President Tandi: Good morning. This is Tandi, President of NCR. I would just like to offer my condolences.
Rad: Why? Who’s died?
President Tandi: You are unaware?
Rad: Eh? Are you sure someone’s died? I can’t smell anyone!
President Tandi: In Malaria City… your companions are soon to be subjected to the ‘Chair of Fear’.
Rad: You what?! The ‘Chair of Fear’! Oh look out… it’s the three-piece suite of anger!
President Tandi: One of our corporals stationed in secret saw them being captured and named them as prisoners. Soon, they will become transformed into evil people. Except Pip…
Rad: Phew, at least someone’s alright.
President Tandi: Who, according to stolen data, will be shot.
Rad: Ah…! There must be something we can do to get them out.
President Tandi: No. I sincerely doubt that. You could not get them out your own and we cannot risk any conflict with the powerful Malarial army.
Rad: I need to do something. I’m going back to Malarial City.
President Tandi: But that is madness. You’ll be killed for sure.
Rad: Listen, I’m going back. Full stop.
President Tandi: Fine… we have a safe-house in Malaria City. I’ll get our contact to meet you at the Malarial Comedy Club. I will contact you with specific details on your phone’s remote link. But remember this – if they capture you, they will torture you, subject you to the most horrific pain and have an army of weirdo Barbie-collecting middle-aged bachelor males in pink shirts and with bushy moustaches molest you! It is a terrible, terrible place… Anyway, thanks for talkin’!

The conversation on the intercom comes to an end. Rad then stares into the distance with eyes full of rage.

Rad: Dominatrix Debra… you goin’ down bitch!

15) Outside Armoury.

Rad walks into the Vault Armoury. The door closes behind him and he re-appears sporting army camouflage, 5 machine guns, thousands of bullets strapped round his shoulders and green paint on his cheeks.

Rad: Yo, bitch!

Rad discharges a very loud shotgun into the air.

Rad: It’s time to diiieeee!!!

Rad begins to walk along the corridor. He starts to struggle with the weight of all his weapons.

Rad: Ow, ow. I suppose I could drop this sub-machine gun.

Rad drops the sub-machine gun. He continues to walk along. He still struggles.

Rad: Oh well. I suppose I could drop this shotgun and all its related ammo.

Rad drops a hundred bullets and then the shotgun itself. He continues to walk along, still struggling.

Rad: Ow! Well, I suppose I could drop this assault knife.

16) Comically Abrupt Scene Change – Outside Vault Door.

Rad walks out of the Vault wearing completely normal clothes and with no weapons. He is still struggling.

Rad: Ow! Oh well, I suppose I could drop this ‘Jamaica – no problem!’ key-ring!

Rad drops the key-ring and then gets into the car and drives away in the direction of Malaria City.

Rad: Time to die, bitch! I’m kick your ass! … with absolutely no weapons… oh dear… Note to Self: Learn Kung Fu!

17) Prison Cell, Morning.

The gang and the other prisoners are trying to sleep. Only Stapes is awake and he is sitting against a protruding brick from the wall. Scotty then gets up.

Scotty: Oh… (yawns) …did you get any sleep Stapes?
Stapes: No. I just couldn’t stop thinking about my sister.
Scotty: Don’t blame you!
Stapes: Scotty! I’m being serious here.
Scotty: Sorry Stapes. Please go on.
Stapes: What if we don’t get out of here, eh? The last thing I told my sister was that she was a whore. A whore? How could I say that?
Scotty: I know – that was unfair. If I had a body like hers, I’d be showing it off every chance I got!
Stapes: Scotty!
Scotty: Oops, sorry.
Stapes: I just wish I had another chance to say goodbye.
Scotty: Oh Stapes, lets leave the gooey clichéd melodrama to American made-for-TV films called Most Vertical Primate, in which a lovable chimpanzee becomes the star of a school basketball team and becomes a bullied boy’s best friend but sadly in the end has to return to the jungle, eh?!
Stapes: Yeah sorry. You know what I mean, though?
Scotty: Yeah, I know what you mean. I would just have said it with an element of dignity!
Stapes: …We’re terminally buggered aren’t we Scotty?
Scotty: Yep. As buggered as a person who is subject to a bugger can be!

There is then an announcement on the speakers.

Dominatrix Debra: All prisoners are to report to the Exercise Yard for exercise…
Pip: Damn it. It’s too bloody early in the morning.
Dominatrix Debra: Except for Pip..
Pip: Yeah!
Dominatrix Debra: Who will report to my chambers for punishment!
Pip: Ah…!

1 Prison Exercise Yard, Morning.

The gang is out in the exercise yard. On the megaphone, the prison speakers are broadcasting the audio feed from inside Debra’s chambers.

Pip: (on speakers) Stop! Mary, mother of God! Stop the pain! Get that poker away from me!

The gang wince at the sound of Pip’s pleas for help.

Pip: (on speakers) Why are you doing this?
Dominatrix Debra: (on speakers) Because I’m Number One now, not you.
Pip: (on speakers) You know what I say to that?
Dominatrix Debra: (on speakers) What?
Pip: (on speakers) Piss off Number One! Aargh!

They wince again at the shouts.

Scotty: That’s it! We’ve got to get out of here.
Stapes: We don’t stand a chance, Scotty.
Scotty: There must be some way.
Gauss: Scotty – permission to ponder this problem?
Scotty: Ponder problem permission granted!
Gauss: Good. Now first of all, we have one advantage over Dominatrix Debra.
Scotty: Which is?
Gauss: I’m smarter than her! Now, from my limited knowledge of this place, I have learned that one can challenge the Overlord of Malaria City to some sort of duel, the winner taking over.
Scotty: Is it a fight to the death?
Gauss: Not anymore. At least I don’t think so. The fight seems to be almost sexual in nature. I do not understand its details, but in response to the Pip doctrine influence, Dominatrix Debra probably modified it accordingly.
Scotty: So you’re saying that we should challenge Dominatrix Debra to some sort of evil sexual showdown?
Gauss: I think so.
Scotty: Who should fight her?
Gauss: Well one person does spring to mind.
Pip: (on speakers) ARGH! MY SOLAR PLEXUS!

19) Prison Cell.

A group of heavily armoured guards dragging Pip back to the overcrowded prison cell where the gang are being kept. The guards open the door, chuck the almost lifeless body of Pip in and lock it again. They walk away and the gang swarm around Pip.

Pip: Bugger.
Scotty: Are you alright Pip?
Gauss: I think he looks fine. (winks at the others) He looks like he could have an evil sexual duel with anyone! (winks)
Pip: Eh?!
Gauss: Nothing! Now come on, let’s get you up.

The gang pull Pip to his feet.

Pip: I’m sore all over.
Gauss: That’s generally your idea of a good night’s work!
Pip: True.
Gauss: Now Pip, I have formulated a plan to escape this evil prison.
Pip: Really? What?
Gauss: I’ll tell you shall I?

FADE TO BLACK:

The colour returns.

Pip: So, who should take her on? I’m in too bad shape to help.
Gauss: Em… yes! Now, I agree. None of us could take her on…
Pip: Good. I’ve been through enough pain already.
Gauss: …except for you Pip…
Pip: Oh.
Gauss: …who will be sacrificed!
Pip: Ah…! No, no, no! Wait a den-weed-picking minute here! Why me?
Gauss: I’ve gone over it in my head Pip, and with your supremely savage sexual knowledge, you are the only appropriate candidate.
Pip: Shit seems to be happening an awful lot to me at the moment!

ALL WORKS COPYRIGHTED 2005 BY IAN MILES CHONG a.k.a NAKED_LUNCH. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

[atoga]

Hey! Gauss makes an appearance!

[Fez]

This was worth visiting to see the tantrum.