A New Hope or "When I first got Fallout and what I did" or "Fallout 1: Discovering Fallout" or "INTRO"

Fallout was a turn-based role-playing game released in the late 90's. I remember walking into a game store with my dear old mother and seeing the box for the first time in later November 1997. The cover-art glistened in the fluorescent lights like some kind of arcane tome, crackling with an intense magic. I dared myself to grab hold of it, my rugged features scrunching into a sneer. "Hasta Lavista...Game." I immediately ran out of the store, clutching the box like a cubic phallus and felt my loins stir. I knew I was in for a life changing experience. This game was the key to my heart.

Many days later, my heaving mass stirred. The crusts of my dried bodily juices crumbled as I awoke, staring at the monitor. I had done it. I had completed a game. I gave a wry little smirk, though inside I was champion of the world. Unstoppable! I had conquered the wastelands, slaughtered a mutant army and even found some water. Though I had lost many friends along the way. Dog-meat, I will never forget you. I walked outside, the sun blazing down upon my bronzed muscles, while I considered the game. But was it just a game? Or a way of life. I considered it the latter, by the way.

The Enclave strikes back

One year later. By this time I had finished the game at least twice since my last epic journey. Though I had heard stories through the web of a new game. A sequel. I hadn't allowed myself such flights of fancy, took it for an old wives tale. I gave a hearty guffaw at such a thought as I made finishes to my real-life Fallout shelter. But what if the rumours were true. What if...I was wrong!

I quickly dashed down the street, screaming to the heavens. "Why have you forsaken me Lord?!" I received no reply, so from that day forth I became an atheist.

When I reached my local gaming emporium I ran up and down the aisles, a mild hysteria had overcame me. Then I saw it. The second Holy Grail to Fallout. It's sequel, Fallout 2: Search for The Enclave. I almost had a mild stroke, but my army training kicked in and I ripped the game from the shelf. I felt an orgasmic sense of euphoria as I slammed down my fifty big bucks to the cashier. "Keep the change!" I cried, sobbing in joy. Skipping down the street I felt my very large penis pop out of my trousers and start ejaculating. I had found Fallout 2!

I popped it into my very up-to-date computer and started installing while I read the hilarious manual that accompanied the game. I gave a slight giggle upon starting the game. Who would have thought to include a recipe at the end? How zany!

Upon completion of the game, I had mixed feelings. I was happy but also sad. Happy that the game had many references to real-life, most of which I had gotten and laughed at jovially. Sad that I would have to wait at least a year for another sequel. Or would I? I probably would. That is around the time when I played Fallout 2 again.

Fallout 3: Judgement Day

This leads to the present day, but slightly before it. The mighty gargantuan that was Interplay had fallen, selling Fallout to it's highest bidder. Bethesda eventually won it (NOT TROIKA!!!), the makers of Morrowind and it's prequels. Upon hearing this news I had mixed feelings. I was happy but also sad. Happy that the one true sequel to Fallout 2 would be made. Sad that they would do it wrong! You read it here first folks, Bethesda will make Fallout 3 wrong. Here is a list of reasons.

-It will NOT be turn-based. That's right, it will be real-time! Can you imagine that? Just stop and think about it for a second, seriously. Real-time? Are those guys crazy or what! How can they release a real-time RPG in this day and age?

-It will NOT be 2D. Indeed, the creators have decided on the pathetic three dimensions. Everybody knows that Fallout games only have 2, length and width! If you have any more the game will immediately suck.

-It will NOT have the s.p.e.c.i.a.l. system. This would be like making a Dungeons and Dragons game without Dungeons or even Dragons.

-It will NOT work on your 486. The money-hungry super-corporation wants you to buy an Alienware games system! I wouldn't be surprised if they made a deal with radeon where you would get a free copy of Fallout 3 with every new card. But then the free copy would just be a CD with fallout 2 on it with the 2 scribbled out and 3 there instead.

So to summarize Fallout 3 will be real-time, first-person, use weird stats and not run on your computer. Does this remind you of anything. Perhaps...Morrowind! You read it here first, Fallout 3 is Morrowind with guns.

A New Hope again

Wipe your eyes, dear Fallout fans. Help is on the way in the form of me. I am, at this very moment, starting an amazing campaign to make Fallout 3 how it should be. For the fans! I have already made an on-line petition, printed posters and even made official Fallout 3 badges. I will also send an official letter to Bethesda demanding that they let me oversee all the work done on Fallout 3 so I, a fan, can approve of everything.

Here is my idea for Fallout 3. The player starts off living with his mother in Canada. Your first mission is to kill your mother and escape into the city. The next mission is you have to follow this hot chick into a strip club bar. Here you can pay prostitutes money to look at there amazingly detailed 2D breasts. In the next mission you get to have sex with the hot chick and you find out you're being followed by the government. Now I don't want to spoil anything, but it turns out you're a rogue cyborg having to help a rebel army overthrow an oppressive government that was put into power after Fallout 2.

The game will be 2D, be turn-based and have the special system. There will also be Dogmeat and you get to travel back in time to meet the vault dweller from Fallout 1 and you get to work together. There will also be multiplayer and you can travel anywhere in the world. There will be around 200 or so guns and different fighting styles. You can also drive cars around, but only a few because it is the post-apocalypse world. There will also be a lot of parodies and references to American culture like Mom's apple pie and the star-sprinkled banner. It will also be gritty and a bit like a noir film mixed with Mad Max.

I have come up with these game ideas after reading what the fans want on the official fan boards such as NME and the lesser-known DAC. Please do not lose hope Fallout fans, I will bring you the game you want!

I also think we should get Troika to make it as well, but the fans can't have everything. Until next time, don't lose hope. And remember I am fighting the good fight against evil corporations!