Fallout: The full story...

[fallout ranger]

This is an attempt to make a fallout story, containing all of the FO1 events, and yes it WILL follow the fallout bible.

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Part One: Leaving the Vault

The door rolled into position and slammed home, he was alone. He was afraid, for no-one had ever ventured outside of the vault and returned. After a few minutes of staring into darkness, he collected his courage and began to make his way through the darkened cave. He stopped, he saw a skeleton in a vault suit to his left. He hesitated, then began to rifle through its pockets. He found 10mm ammunition, a knife, and an ID card that read �Ed�.

A few steps more, and he heard a rustling and a squeak before him. He grew closer to the noise, and as he did, he saw a rat. Not just any rat, but a rat of tremendous size. ?He thought to himself “It must be two fucking feet long!�. After staring at each other, the rat scurried up and chewed into his boot. “Fuck!� he said, drawing his 10mm pistol, and shot the beast in the face.

After a few dozen more steps, and a few more gigantic rats, he saw a glow ahead of him. Finally, the end of the cave. He squinted his eyes, having never seen such bright light. Waiting for his eyes to adjust, he stepped into what was called “sunlight�. He felt a warmth, and his eyes burned, but he knew he must set out on his mission, his mission to find the precious water chip.

He took a swig of water from his flask, tightened his belt, and set out towards the east, to Vault 15 and the water chip.


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Chapter two will be V15.

[Retlaw83]

Before writing Chapter 2, I'd suggest expanding this. Write about his epic, frightful battle with the rats. Fallout was the firts RPG I've ever played; when I first found myself outside the vault felt I had a feeling of complete aloness and was under attack by nasty little rats.

Add some more sensory stuff, too. How did the rat chewing on his boot feel? What was his opinion of sunlight? Glorious? A nuisance? How did it smell outside the vault; it is, after all, this guy's first smell of unprocessed air. What about the tactile feedback of the 10mm Pistol?

Add some emotional content as well. How does this guy feel about being dumped outside the vault? I like how you hinted that he felt he was on some kind of epic quest, but that's all the information we have about this guy.

Also, you have a lot of tense disagreements and your ending would be stronger if you removed the clause "and the water chip" from the last sentence.

Work on the things I mentioned and your story will dramatically improve.

[Ernesto]

Also, I don't think someone who has lived their entire life rather conservatively would start rifling through someone's remains almost immediately. Surely he has to have more of an emotional reaction than hestitation.

Isn't the Vault Dweller afraid?

Don't expect to translate Fallout to literature in a few quick "chapters," if that what you can call them. Shady Sands can be several chapters long, hell you could make an entire book out of the events in The Hub.

You know your beginning is too short when the commentary on it is almost as long as the story itself.

Don't make your character suck ass by rushing through the story in a non-miminalistic way.

[Blargh]

I'll be as kind as I possibly can be, given the circumstances:

Though your presence is painful, rather like a blood parasite, your writing almost brings me to tears, it is that horrendous. Therefore, I suggest you return to being the forum Fuckwit, rather than the forum Awful Fucking Would-be Writer . . .

Fun times ahead.

Fond regards,
Blargh

[Ernesto]

Heh, fun times ahead.

[fallout ranger]

I'll be as kind as I possibly can be, given the circumstances:

Though your presence is painful, rather like a blood parasite, your writing almost brings me to tears, it is that horrendous. Therefore, I suggest you return to being the forum Fuckwit, rather than the forum Awful Fucking Would-be Writer . . .

Fun times ahead.

Fond regards,
Blargh

ban him

[Gimp Mask]

I think the story was terrific fallout ranger,
I give it 2.8 out of 2.8
very sexy!

[Blargh]

To the esteemed Forum Fuckwitâ„¢,

You have displayed an inability to accept and learn from constructive criticism, both now and in the past. This is something the aspiring author would do well to detach from. Knee-jerk 'OMG U R TEH SCUK!!1 BAN!11' responses are not your friend, they are your enemy. They betray you further, irredeemably so.

Your time here and your . . 'offering' provide ample reason to conclude that you do not possess the intelligence or ability to write anything worth reading for anything more than the most puerile of amusement. The only sensations your 'writings' evoke are despair, nausea, bleeding eyes and the horror of having witnessed a crime against literature.

From me to you, advice :

Stop. Realise the truth. You are no writer. Accept this truth, and let it guide you back to something you can actually cope with, for example - a McDonalds diploma, or the life of a medical guinea pig.

Just think of the benefits you could provide to all of humankind through furthering our understanding of the abnormal brain ! I encourage you to consider this noble avenue with an open mind and heart. You could help improve the quality of life of other morons around the world. You could matter.

Despite the scars, fun times ahead.

Yours faithfully,
Blargh

[boywoos]

I'll be as kind as I possibly can be, given the circumstances:

Though your presence is painful, rather like a blood parasite, your writing almost brings me to tears, it is that horrendous. Therefore, I suggest you return to being the forum Fuckwit, rather than the forum Awful Fucking Would-be Writer . . .

Fun times ahead.

Fond regards,
Blargh

Fair play Blargh, he is a dick but that was not

contructive critisism

go easy on the little tyke

[Blargh]

Fair play Blargh, he is a dick but that was not /el snip

Fair play ? 'Fairness' is a dead concept. The only way one could level the playing field with FR, so to write, is to undergo a full frontal lobotomy. Now that isn't something I'd care to indulge, really.

contructive critisism

go easy on the little tyke

While you have a point regarding my comments in this thread, truthfully I was also referring to the many times members of this fine community have suggested courses of action like 'stop being such a twat', and 'pull your fucking head in, you moron' etc. Now if that isn't constructive criticism, I don't want to know what is.

Oh yes, you're a thief !

[fallout ranger]

A few things:


1.

To the esteemed Forum Fuckwitâ„¢,

Stop writing yourself notes


2.

You have displayed an inability to accept and learn from constructive criticism,

"constructive"? That would mean you give SERIOUS suggestions and NON flaming input


3.

Knee-jerk 'OMG U R TEH SCUK!!1 BAN!11' responses are not your friend, they are your enemy. They betray you further, irredeemably so.

If this is true, then half of your posts aren't your friends, seeing as that's what flaming boils down to.



4.

From me to you, advice :

Stop. Realise the truth. You are no writer. Accept this truth, and let it guide you back to something you can actually cope with, for example - a McDonalds diploma, or the life of a medical guinea pig.

At least I HAVE the mental capacity to at least ATTEMPT to do something productive


5.

Your use of this smiley is the only useful thing in any of your posts.

Have fun.

[Blargh]

To the agitated Forum Fuckwitâ„¢,

There is no point in even attempting to reason with one as challenged as you, you amuse, your 'writings' disturb, but that is all. You barely present as sentient. So sadly, you become stale. As tedious as you are, you are not worth further time. The amusing returns are far outweighed by your damaged, upset flailings.

No doubt, fun times ahead.

Thank you,
Blargh

[Ernesto]

Simply put, forget the idea of novelizing the epic of the Vault Dweller. You of all people are not fit to do that. By putting your OMG! NOOBZ! spin on it, you're destroying a work of art. You're making yourself look teh retard, aight dawg?


That doesn't mean don't stop writing. Write some stories within the same Post-Apoc universe, gain some of teh reputation as a good writer. Cause frankly, you fucking suck.


And finally, I vote no one in the Duck And Cover community, past present or future, should ever novelize our favourite game. And no, I'm not talking about Tetris.

[fallout ranger]

Simply put, forget the idea of novelizing the epic of the Vault Dweller. You of all people are not fit to do that. By putting your OMG! NOOBZ! spin on it, you're destroying a work of art. You're making yourself look teh retard, aight dawg?


That doesn't mean don't stop writing. Write some stories within the same Post-Apoc universe, gain some of teh reputation as a good writer. Cause frankly, you fucking suck.


And finally, I vote no one in the Duck And Cover community, past present or future, should ever novelize our favourite game. And no, I'm not talking about Tetris.

Now THAT'S constructive criticism...

[Nicolai]

Maybe you'd be better off trying to novelize the aftermath of that armwrestling-match with that super-mute in Broken Hills?

You'd probably get to use some of that personal experience you've got with such things, in your attempt at describing the intimate moments that follows ones loss against that strapping mutie.

Sincerely yours,
Nicolai

[fallout ranger]

...

[SDMVersion3]

Maybe you'd be better off trying to novelize the aftermath of that armwrestling-match with that super-mute in Broken Hills?

You'd probably get to use some of that personal experience you've got with such things, in your attempt at describing the intimate moments that follows ones loss against that strapping mutie.

Sincerely yours,
Nicolai

I love Nicolai. In a completely homosexual way.

Anyway, Fallout Ranger, the best thing you can do is keep posting stories. Write about whatever you want and keep doing it. Because even though it pisses you off now evenatually you will come to a point when the feedback on your stories pisses you off less then the errors contained within. Make yourself your own worst enemy. Key to success.

Plus, it'll keep everyone else entertained.

[Nicolai]

[Subhuman]

Okay, real criticism: It's too short, and the narrative is bone-dry. "He saw a rat, and the rat was big. Then he saw a door. Then Carrot Top popped up from behind a rock and started yelling. Then the Vault Dweller found an ID card." There needs to be more evocative description, some sensory details that the reader can grab onto. Right now it's all action, no emotion. The story is also going too fast and skipping too many details. And there needs to be more backstory.

You can try to improve these things, but really, you're either a writer or you're not. Writing fiction is harder than it looks - a good writer automatically knows just what phrase to use, which words will paint a vivid picture in the reader's mind, the kind of pacing that will draw the reader in. It's an intuitive thing. I think you have potential, but your style needs work.

[Ernesto]

I think you have potential, but your style needs work.

You say that about everything.

And for some help on developing a style, check out Palahniuk's previous distinction essays -- they're kewl shi-aight.