ON THE JOB
8O By Wifi 8O
Johnner: I hate morning missions.
Decker: Stop complaining. Are the kids ready?
Johnner: Ready and waiting. What's the job?
Decker: Another hole sweep.
Johnner: Number?
Decker: Thirteen.
Johnner: Lucky number thirteen! I hope it's not another weirdo vault.
Decker: This one should be normal, but you never know.
Johnner: So why are we going instead of the regular guys?
Decker: There have been found traces of Vault thirteen all over the waste, but the vault was supposed to open after two hundred years, thirty years from now.
Johnner: Are we shooting or asking?
Decker: No shooting and no asking. We need to babysit them back here.
Johnner: What for? Interrogation?
Decker: Probably, or maybe they need more test… Shit, time to go. Squad Rockfish, board Hawk one-o-one! Jay, you take one-o-five.
Johnner: Squad Warhead, board Hawk one-o-five! Move it!
Decker: See you in Navarro!
Johnner: See ya! All right grunts, let's earn those pay checks!
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Dozer: Sir, what's on the menu today?
Johnner: You'll love this one Dozer. There is a vault full of naked nymphomaniacs that requires extraction, and you're our man for the job.
Gates: Sir, I think Dozer would rather do some covert insertions instead!
Dozer: Anytime, anywhere!
Johnner: Shut up you two and listen up. Standard vault A&E operation.
Dozer: That’s assault and extraction for you, Yates.
Yates: I knew that.
Johnner: You all know the drill, so no shooting.
Warner: Sir, what if they shoot first?
Johnner: We all run away, Warner! What the fuck do you think armor is for, opening beers?
Dozer: No Sir, it's for scoring with chicks.
Johnner: We wait for the door to open, charm them with the overwhelming power of Enclave sunshine and get them into the birds before they realize what's really going down. Questions?
Bexon: Sir, what if we run into resistance on the outside, some of those sandsniffers pack a lot of heat.
Johnner: You call in and await my orders. Keep in mind that we are not known around these parts, and we would like to keep it that way. If we do engage, we loot the corpses so they blame the Raiders.
Yates: I heard that some Raiders rape the corpses after they loot.
Dozer: Sir, Yates volunteers for that task!
Yates: At least they won't be colder than your sister's ass, Dozer.
Dozer: Hey, fuck you man!
Johnner: Quiet! We are approaching Navarro. This will only take half an hour, so don't wander around too far. Here we go, disembark!
Dozer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Navarro! Watch out for ants and keep it in you’re pants!
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Wallace: I wish I was stationed at Navarro. Feel that?
Gates: Feel what?
Wallace: Nothing. No vibrations, no reactor noise, fucking peace.
Gates: Yeah. Feels weird, after all you're life on the rig to be on the mainland.
Wallace: I heard some guys couldn't take it, agrophoibia or something. They can't stand the open land.
Gates: Did you know Big Butch has it? He just curled up in the vertibird and refused to get out. Last I heard he got reassigned to prison guard duty back on the rig.
Wallace: Big Butch? That big motherfucker? He used to beat me up in military school when we were kids. I remember him bragging about how he can't wait to get out and start blowing away all those dirty muties. Son of a bitch got what he deserves.
Gates: Heads up, here comes the cap. Sir!
Wallace: Sir!
Johnner: Did you see the Rockfish boys?
Wallace: Yes, they are around that hangar over there, Sir.
Johnner: And Bexon?
Gates: In the mess hall, Sir.
Johnner: Shit, get him out of there! We are still under investigation for his last bar fight!
Gates: Yes Sir!
Wallace: Yes Sir!
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Johnner: Here you are! You know this place, where is the toilet? I need to take a piss!
Decker: Go behind that gun turret, and don't get you're balls blown away while you're at it!
Johnner: Ohh, man...
Glen: Decker! What brings you to our neck of the woods?
Decker: Just passing by, Glen. I got a hole sweep near NCR.
Glen: Remember to bring me back some presents; I need them for that stuff you ordered.
Decker: We have orders not to shoot, but I'll se what I can do.
Glen: I gotta run, the new CO is busting my balls with his inspections. See ya!
Decker: See ya! What took you so long?
Johnner: Stupid armor, they could have at least built in a zipper, I nearly pissed myself back there while trying to get this thing off!
Decker: I don't know. I'd rather have my groin well covered in a firefight.
Johnner: Or what, a rocket would fly in?
Decker: No, but one could fly out, if you know what I mean.
Johnner: Hey, talk for yourself Mr. Firefight boner!
Decker: C'mon, the birds are refueled, let's get back to work! Everybody back in!!
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Johnner: You heard the man people, move! Hey Dec, did you see who they gave us for wings?
Decker: Yeah, the Barker brothers. Maybe they forgot.
Johnner: You don't forget someone messing with your sister, both of them…
Decker: I told you not to mess with them, but you just couldn't keep it in your pants.
Johnner: Hey, I was drunk, and those sisters were twins, so how was I supposed to know which one is which? Those two assholes almost threw me of the damn rig!
Decker: Stop bitching, we have to go. Just be careful that some Barker doesn't throw you out in midair, lover boy!
Johnner: Very funny. Bexon! What the fuck are you doing with that crate?!
Bexon: Eh, supplies, Sir. Something for the trip.
Johnner: Open it.
Bexon: But Sir…
Johnner: Open it!
Bexon: Yes, Sir…
Johnner: What do we have here? Looks like three weeks in the brick to me.
Bexon: Ah, c'mon Sir, I just wanted…
Johnner: Does anybody know you have this?
Bexon: Just the cook’s helper, but he won’t say anything.
Johnner: He better. What are you waiting, take it into the bird before someone sees it.
Bexon: Yes Sir!
Johnner: Everybody here? Good. Pilot, we are green to go.
Barker: Roger. Liftoff!
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Dozer: Hey Bexon, what's in the box?
Bexon: Nothing, just some cough medicine from grandpa Cuba!
Taggert: Damn it Bexon, hide the booze before the cap sees it!
Bexon: Don't worry, he knows. Let's see if this stuff is as hard as they say…
Johnner: You put that back right now! No drinks before the show!
Bexon: Just a little Sir, to warm us up.
Johnner: I'll warm you up with this gatling if you don't put that down. I don't want drunks putting holes where they don't belong! Didn't you hear what happened to the Bulldogs?
Bexon: No, Sir.
Johnner: Fisher, you tell him, you where in the rescue team.
Gates: Yeah Bexon, what's this Bulldog shit?
Fisher: The Bulldogs where an air recon team. They where checking out this town called Klamato or something up North. The mission was a walk in the park, so they relaxed and started drinking. Then they made a bet about can a Mr. Handy be programmed to swear, so drunk as hell they started playing around with his wiring.
Dozer: Did he start swearing?
Fisher: No, he decapitated the pilot and crashed the bird.
Taggert: Shit. Anybody survived?
Fisher: We only found one survivor who told us all this and then died.
Wallace: What did you do with the remains? You couldn't just leave them to the savages.
Fisher: We started gathering up the remains, but the order came to pull out, the area was hot. I think we left two or three behind. We never found Mr. Handy.
Gates: That’s fucked up, man.
Wallace: Yeah, fubar.
Dozer: Fubar.
Warner: What's fubar?
Wallace: Shit, Warner, grow up.
Warner: What?
Johnner: So you see, there is no room for relaxing on any job, even if you are peeling g-tatoes in the brick.
Bexon: Yes, Sir. Can we at least drink when we finish the job?
Johnner: I don't see why not. But don't let security find you dead drunk, or it's you're ass!
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Decker: Hawks one-o-one and one-o-five, the LZ is in front of that cave, five o'clock. Squads Rockfish and Warhead, prepare to disembark!
Johnner: Squad Warhead here, ready for landing! What's the plan, Stan?
Decker: By the book. I'll take squad Rockfish and secure the vault entrance. You take Warhead and scout out the surrounding area and secure the LZ for the Pelicans transport group.
Johnner: Expected opposition?
Decker: There could be some armed vault dwellers, and recon shows increased activities of NCR patrols in the region.
Johnner: Rules of engagement?
Decker: Only hostiles inside the perimeter. Try to avoid contact if possible; we don't want to reveal our presence in this region. Here we go! Squad Rockfish, disembark!
Johnner: All right ladies! Squad Warhead, disembark and secure the LZ! Dozers, Wallace, you two check out the surrounding area!
Decker: Squad Rockfish, form line and move out to the Vault entrance! Burke, check out the control panel for the opening time!
Thomas: Rats.
Smith: What is it, Thomas?
Thomas: Rats, Sir. The cave is full of them.
Smith: Forelli, up front!
Forelli: Sir?
Smith: You take the lead and flame anything that has more than two legs.
Forelli: Yes, Sir.
Burke: Sir, the Vault is set for opening at o-nine-hundred, Sir!
Decker: O.K. Burke, get back in formation!
Wallace: Wallace here! Sir, we have a small patrol coming in from the East, possible NCR patrol. Should we engage, Sir?
Johnner: What do you say Dec?
Decker: Wallace, can you and Dozer snipe them before they can call for backup?
Dozer: Yes, Sir.
Decker: Then do it. Loot the corpses and get back here with the gear.
Wallace: Yes Sir!
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Dozer: Do you see witch one has the radio?
Wallace: I think the big one does. You go for the head and I will go for the torso.
Dozer: Got it. When he drops I will do the ones on the right.
Wallace: O.K. Ready...
Dozer: Steady...
Wallace: Go!
Fisher: Hear that? Looks like those two are having fun while we stand here doing nothing, as always.
Gates: If you like their job so much why didn’t you sign up for reconnaissance?
Fisher: I did. They kicked me out.
Gates: Ha! What for?
Fisher: Blowing up a brahmin.
Gates: Blowing up a brah...? How?
Fisher: An accident. It was during a field test. I had to go and check out a small farm in the desert together with an evaluation officer. I found the farm easily, but I lost my binoculars during the trip, so I got the idea to use the rocket launchers scope. But...
Gates: I can’t wait to hear this.
Fisher: But I missed the zoom button and pressed the backup trigger. Before I knew it, there where brahmin chunks flying all over the place.
Gates: Let me guess, you got a really bad evaluation?
Fisher: That, and kicked out.
Gates: I think that’s better for you. It's not all fun and games in the recon.
Fisher: Yes it is.
Dozer: Fuck, this one smells!
Wallace: Stop bitching and strip him down.
Dozer: Fucking recon, I should have taken infantry. Eew, he pissed himself! Fucking sandsniffers.
Wallace: You would to if you had you’re arm blown off.
Dozer: Still, have some fucking dignity. Hey, a NukeCola!
Wallace: You're not going to drink that, are you?
Dozer: Why let it go to waste? It's not booze, but it will clean you're throat.
Wallace: That's what Gringo used to say, before he found that NukeCola in a Raider camp.
Dozer: Hey, I haven't seen Gringo in a while. Where is that bastard?
Wallace: Floating around the rig wrapped up in an Enclave flag. That NukeCola turned out to be radscorpion poison the Raiders used for spears and knives.
Dozer: You know, the cap is right. We shouldn't drink on missions.
Wallace: Good. Help me with this one.
Dozer: That’s the last one. Now, heads; you rape them, tails; I do.
Wallace: We’ll send Yates. Let's hurry back, I feel the show is about to start.
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Decker: Jay, look sharp, the Vault is opening! Squad Rockfish, form line in front of the Vault! Weapons cold, we don't want to freak them out if we don't have to.
Johnner: You heard that Henderson?!
Henderson: Sir.
Decker: Corporal Dole, step forward and do your thing.
Dole: Greetings! We are the military forces of the newly established United States. We are here to greet you and escort you to a facility where you will be explained what happened during all this years. You will receive a fresh meal and medical treatment if necessary.
Decker: Before we begin, I would like to ask any armed personnel to surrender their weapons for security reasons. Sir, I need you to surrender your weapon. Sir, try to remain cal… [Gunfire]
Johnner: Cease fire! Cease fire!
Decker: Who was that?! Who did the shooting?!
Henderson: I did, Sir!
Decker: Corporal Smith! I want you to disarm Private Henderson and place him under arrest, now!
Johnner: What is you're fucking malfunction Henderson?!
Henderson: Sir, why should we have to take that shit from these Neanderthals? We are much stronger and superior to these Neanderthals.
Johnner: Are you arguing with a superior officer Henderson?!
Decker: Forget him for now; we need to gather up these people for the extraction! Fisher, Gates! Bring back those runners! Smith, escort Henderson back to the Hawks and make sure he doesn't do any more shit!
Johnner: Dec, we will take care of these ones here. You go and get those who ran back in.
Decker: Squad Rockfish, we are going in! Thomas, call in Group Pelican, tell them the LZ is secured and we are ready for extraction.
Johnner: Are we?
Decker: We will be when they come.
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Thomas: Group Pelican, this is Squad Rockfish, over!
Barker: This is Group Pelican. Go ahead Squad Rockfish.
Thomas: We secured the LZ and are ready for extraction, over.
Barker: Received Squad Rockfish, Pelicans are on route, over and out.
Thomas: Received, Pelicans on route, over and out.
Decker: Team Rockfish, we leave all the shooters here, the orders are still to bring them back alive. Parker, go get the cattle prods. And some plastic for the doors.
Trenton: Sir, can we do some hand to hand?
Decker: That won’t hurt them, much. Just try not to rip someone’s head off, or I will yours. Jay, we are going in.
Johnner: Good luck! Taggert, Bexon! Since Fisher and Gates went after the ones in the South passage, you catch the ones in the East one.
Bexon: Yes Sir!
Taggert: Yes Sir!
Johnner: Fisher, count this ones here, and later the others, we will probably need backup transport, so we need to know the exact number.
Fisher: Yes, Sir.
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Taggert: Will you stop already!
Bexon: Freeze, motherfucker!
Taggert: C'mon, it was an accident, we're the good guys!
Bexon: Yeah, the good guys, so stop before we blow you away!
Taggert: Oh, great tactics Bexon, now he's running even faster.
Bexon: That’s it; I'm shooting his blue butt!
Taggert: Shoot around him, that might work!
Bexon: Hey blueboy, you asked for it! [Gunfire]
Taggert: Shit, he's down!
Bexon: No, he just ducked. Zap the asshole before he gets up!
Taggert: He's already up! Give him another round!
Bexon: Here we go... Shit, I'm jammed!
Taggert: Look, he stopped. He must be tired.
Bexon: I am tired! But I can still kick his a...aaass!
Taggert: Ha Ha! What's the problem, forgot to walk?
Bexon: Shit, my left leg is not responding. Ahh, look at this, its leaking fluid, and I had the motherfucking armor inspection two weeks ago!
Taggert: Come on, it's not that bad.
Bexon: Not that bad?! I'm tired, my gun is broken, my left leg is dead, and what the fuck is that thing?!
Taggert: Bexon, that's a deathclaw.
Bexon: Of course it is.
Taggert: Bexon, that's a deathclaw! That’s why he stopped. Shut up and shoot it!
Bexon: With what, my wad? My gatt is jammed! You shoot it!
Taggert: Yeah right, I'll blow it to pieces with this here cattle prod! Fuck man, that thing can rip us apart like beer cans!
Bexon: So what now?
Taggert: Let's run back!
Bexon: I can't run, my leg is dead!
Taggert: Then take it off!
Bexon: No fucking way! If they see my armor was breached I will go to decontamination, and I don't want to spend the next week puking away the radaway!
Taggert: That deathclaw will be puking us both if you don't! Do it now!
Bexon: All right! Shit, shit, shit... There goes the warranty.
Taggert: Let's go! Wait, the blueboy!
Bexon: Leave him to the deathclaw, we will be long gone when he finishes eating him.
Taggert: But if they notice he's missing?
Bexon: We will think of something. Go, go, go!
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Johnner: Finally! What took you so long?
Decker: I got some advice for you. Never play hide and seek with Vault dwellers in their vault. These bastards know every hole and air duct like their own pocket!
Johnner: I got some advice for you too. Never chase someone in a jumpsuit when you are wearing Power Armor. Shoot them instead.
Decker: Tell me you didn't…
Johnner: Nah, we used the birds to catch them.
Decker: For a minute I thought you've gone Henderson on me. What's his problem?
Johnner: Henderson? He's only active because he is a medic. A medic that prefers making holes instead of patching them up. He's a fucking maniac.
Decker: What did he do?
Johnner: We were on a standard routine check of a Vault we cleaned up before. He volunteered to go in first and check things out by himself. Soon afterwards we heard gunfire, but he didn't report anything so we went in.
Decker: What happened?
Johnner: A small tribe found the Vault and decided to move inside. He said they made a move on him, so he opened fire.
Decker: What's wrong with that?
Johnner: I don't see tribal women and children, scared shitless of their own shadows, attacking a big metal monster that spits fire with nothing but spears and rocks.
Decker: But still, they where only filthy tribals.
Johnner: I know, but you should have been there. It was a slaughter, plain and simple. Worst of all, Henderson never showed any regret for what he did.
Decker: Why didn't you report him to the chief?
Johnner: I did, but there was no real evidence he was a psycho. I tried to get him transferred from my team, but there where no other medics available, so I was stuck with him.
Decker: You never spoke to me about this.
Johnner: I don't like talking about it. Sometimes when I look at him I see him standing there silently with his armor all covered with blood and flesh.
Decker: That's fucked up man. Look, Pelican is arriving, let's do this thing and get out of here, leave Henderson up to me.
Johnner: Wait a minute, is this it? There should be more of them for a Vault this size.
Decker: Don't worry, this is it. We interrogated a guy downstairs, and he said most of them left during all this years, some died, and a large fraction left towards South just two days ago.
Johnner: Damn. Do we have to pursuit them?
Decker: No. Command says we leave that to the Special Forces.
Johnner: Fewer problems for us. Now, how will we divide them for the flight?
Decker: Let them do it themselves, you'll have less problems during flight, no one screaming for his wife or kids.
Johnner: Sounds good to me. Warhead, listen up! We are out of here.
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Dozer: Sir, Bexon and Taggert are still out there.
Bexon: Wait for us!
Johnner: Shit Bexon! What happened to you?
Taggert: A deathclaw, Sir! We barely made it!
Johnner: You had a weapon, and weapons can kill things you know.
Bexon: It jammed, Sir.
Johnner: So let me guess. It ate the dwellers, right?
Taggert: That's right, Sir. We got out before it attacked us.
Johnner: Then why can I see Bexon’s hairy leg?
Bexon: The leg piece started leaking fluid and went dead, Sir. I think the systolic transmission broke.
Johnner: No shit. Get in you two, we are out of here.
Taggert: Already, Sir?
Johnner: Yes. Why, you want to stay some more?
Taggert: Sir no Sir!
Johnner: Then shut up and get in. Pilot, green to go!
Barker: Liftoff!
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Johnner: Navarro, sweet Navarro!
Decker: Finally, back on friendly territory.
Johnner: Want to grab a cold one?
Decker: Sure. Teams Rockfish and Warhead, disembark!
Johnner: Thomas, report when the birds are ready to go.
Thomas: Yes sir!
Decker: Fisher, Gates, take all the looted NCR stuff to the storage chief. Tell him Decker says hello.
Johnner: Wait, we don't need this junk.
Decker: Hush, the chief is a friend of mine. He's my, how shall I put it, luxury provider.
Johnner: So that's how you do it. What's the deal?
Decker: I give him the gear we collect on missions and he sells it to the outside traders and snitches that work for us, and in return he acquires anything I need, legal or otherwise.
Johnner: Nice. Joe, two cold ones! So what do we do with them when we bring them back?
Decker: Just turn them over to the guards, find the chief and sign off.
Johnner: Who's on guard duty today?
Decker: Bubba.
Johnner: Bubba, eh? Did you know he has a sister down in maintenance?
Decker: Fuck, Jay, that's all you think about. I bet if I had a sister I would be looking for you together with the Barkers!
Johnner: Make love and war, that's my motto!
Decker: I'll remember to write that on the flag, after they wrap you in it.
Thomas: Thomas here. We are ready to go, Sir.
Decker: Received. Let's get this thing over with!
Johnner: I drink to that!
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Decker: Round up, people! Time to go home!
Johnner: You heard him, don’t make me repeat. Get you're ass up, Bexon!
Bexon: Finally! Where is that booze...
Johnner: Everybody here? Good. Pilot, we are green to go.
Barker: Roger, liftoff!
Bexon: Here it is! I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to drink till I drop.
Johnner: Bexon! I got some good news and some bad news for you.
Bexon: I don't want to ask, but what are they, Sir?
Johnner: Well, the good news is that the show has ended and we can all start killing some brain cells with booze.
Bexon: That’s great news! Let’s go!
Johnner: You forgot the bad news. Since you’re armor has been breached you will undergo severe medical treatment back on the rig, And since they will be poking through you're blood, they will see if you have been drinking alcohol during a mission, which is a big no-no, and rules are rules back home.
Bexon: You don’t mean…
Johnner: No drinks for you this time.
Bexon: Just because I took my armor off?! We do that all the time!
Johnner: Yes, but they don’t know about it, but they will when they see you.
Bexon: Can we, like, glue the leg piece back on? Or, or…
Wallace: Tough luck, bro! But don't worry. We'll leave you some.
Bexon: You will?
Yates: Of course we won't. Cheers!
Gates: Cheers!
Bexon: Fuck you guys! If it weren't for me you would be drinking shit right now!
Dozer: Don't think we don't care. Let's have a toast, to Bexon!
Gates: Yeah! To Bexon!
Wallace: The man with the plan!
Yates: That never works!
Johnner: For him!
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Decker: It's good to be back. Where is that retard?
Bubba: H-Halt! St-state you're n-name and p-purpose for being h-here!
Decker: Here you are. I don't have time for that shit now Bubba, just take these damn dwellers and leave us alone.
Bubba: B-but I have t-to…
Johnner: …Hook me up with you're sister, we know that Bubba. Just sign here that you received the cargo and go annoy someone else.
Bubba: All r-right, but you g-guys own m-me one.
Decker: We don't own you d-dick Bubba. C'mon Jay.
Johnner: You going to the chief?
Decker: Yep. Coming?
Johnner: No, I just want to get back to my bunk and sleep the rest of this shitty day off. We got any jobs scheduled for tomorrow?
Decker: I don't know about tomorrow, but I heard something about tribals up North next week.
Johnner: Tribals, they are even worse than dwellers…
Decker: Well, see you around!
Johnner: See ya!
Barker: Hey asshole!
Barker: Remember us?
Johnner: Oh crap…
: Comments, anyone :
