Duck and Cover

You get on the unicycle and decide to ride on the highway. Cars honk behind you and pass by you while giving you the finger but you don't care, you're on a mission from God. While you're unicycling you spot a depressed-looking clown on the side of the road holding a rope tied around a bear's neck. The bear is sitting on a rock smoking a cigarette. You go up to the clown and offer to purchase the magnificent bear. But then you realize that you don't have any money so you trade him the piece of lint you found on the homeless guy for the bear. Once you get the bear you stick him on the unicycle (and you're doing all of this with a Russian accent.) The bear begins riding around in a circle on the unicycle. He's a natural!

You hop on the bear's back and head into town to pick up some shit. You go to your apartment. While the bear is waiting outside you go inside your apartment.

Eh, What do you do?

You realize this isn't your apartment and loot the place for valuables. While speaking in a Russian accent.

You look around and realize that you've walked into the wrong apartment. In fact you don't live anywhere near this place. Well since you're here you might as well loot the place. You search the place for all valuables. You manage to find three diamond rings, a gold sock, a silver toothbrush, bronze curlers, a bong shaped like Tommy Lee Jones's head, a jar of peanut butter and a rare Hustler magazine. You somehow manage to fit all of this crap into your pockets. You also make sure to stock up on the booze lying around. You only take the hard stuff because you're a manly-man.

You hear screams coming from outside and look out the window. You see the bear humping the shit out of some woman's minivan with some kids in there. You head toward the door but you stop and see that the doorknob is slowly turning.

What do you do?

Easy, grab a frying pan and jump out of the window onto the bear, its cushy blubbered exterior will be soft enough to bear the weight of your fall, but won't absorb enough force to prevent the bear's spine from snapping in two.

And if the fall doesn't kill it, that's what the frying pan is for.

You quickly grab the frying pan and head to the window, you determine your trajectory and jump out the window. You fly through the air and land exactly on the bear's back. You hear a loud CRACK! as you land on the bear and the bear nearly topples over you. The landing snapped the bear's spine and prevented any injuries you could have sustained from the jump, just as you suspected. But just in case, you hit the bear's skull in with the frying pan. Then you drop the pan and mourn the loss of the bear. You remember all the times you rode on its back as he rode the unicycle. You shall never forget the memory of the bear. It had its habits but it was a fine bear.

A woman and man pull open the doors of the minivan and embrace the kids. Then the woman goes over to you. “Thank you for saving our kids. Is there anyway we can repay you?�

"Only with your thanks, ma'am. That is all a good upstanding citizen requires. Now if you don't mind, I am off to fight crime and stuff."

Peddle out on the bear's unicycle for added effect.

I would have demanded a BJ.

Set retlaw on fire.

SenisterDenister wrote:"Only with your thanks, ma'am. That is all a good upstanding citizen requires. Now if you don't mind, I am off to fight crime and stuff."

Peddle out on the bear's unicycle for added effect.

As you make your way out of the parking lot a squad car drives by and slows down. “Hey, you there! Put your hands up!� You ignore the demand and shift your unicycle around. You head back toward the apartments. The cop car begins to trail behind you. You hear gunshots behind fired from behind. You rush past the minivan. As the family gets back into their violated minivan a bullet hits it and the minivan bursts into a pretty awesome explosion. But the explosion causes you to go flying back into the apartment that you thought was yours originally with your unicycle. You crash through the window next to the one that you broke through and land in front of the television set. Sitting on the sofa before is a guy wearing just a robe and his boxers. “Hey you're the asshole that stole my Hustler!� You grab your unicycle and peddle your way out of the apartment, bashing the door open with your forehead. You ride past the apartments, you see that the guy is running after you with a rolling pin. While he tries to chase you, he is hit by the side of the patrol car.

You peddle with all your might as the cop car chases you. You jump over the fence behind the apartment buildings whilst on your unicycle and roll down onto the boulevard. You cross the road, an 18-wheeler nearly hits you. You make to the other side of the boulevard. You stop to catch your breathe. You see 18-wheeler still turning out of control and heading toward a little old lady crossing the street!

What do you do?

Use the frying pan to knock the lady over so the truck's trailer (which I presume is still upright) will skid over her harmlessly.

Laugh. Then, devour her spaghetti-like remains.

SenisterDenister wrote:Use the frying pan to knock the lady over so the truck's trailer (which I presume is still upright) will skid over her harmlessly.

DAMN! You beat me.

In a split-second decision you throw the frying pan at the old lady, hitting her in the chest and knocking her over. The trailer skims across her, leaving her unharmed. The 18-wheeler turns and hits a bunch of cars and flips over. The back hatch flies off and a bunch of cupcakes come flowing out. You stare in awe until you see a passerby point at you, “Hey, that guy threw a frying pan at that old lady!� “What a monster!� someone else yells. From the right you see three squad cars flying down the boulevard. You make another break for it. You jump on the unicycle but it breaks underneath you. They don't make them like they used to. You turn around and see a gas station and a little bike repair shop in a conjoined building. The squad cars are coming in.

What do you do?

Blow up the gas station to act as a diversion while you escape.

You throw the unicycle at one of the gas tanks and causes the station to erupt into an excellent explosion. As everyone watches the place burn down to the ground you make your escape, stealing a nearby car. You drive down the boulevard calmly, hoping that no one spots you. You find one of the empty parking lots over by the Wal-Mart and decide to rest in the car for the night. You look at the radio, it is nearly midnight now. You look around the car. The interior is pretty much beaten up. The back seats are all torn-up. There are fast food wrappers everywhere. You find some cold french fries in the glove box as well as a week-old newspaper and a spatula. You still have the stuff you ransacked from that guy's apartment.

As you're flipping through the pages of the Hustler magazine, you look at your side mirror and you see someone dressed in black sneaking around your rear.

What do you do?

Offer him your rear.

Slowly back the car over his legs, eat the old fries, and feel good about still having the loot.

You do that stuff. After you do all that stuff you hop out of the car and see the guy screaming in pain. His legs are trapped under the wheels. You offer him your rear and he politely declines. He is a scraggly-looking character, about 8 feet tall and has a brown mustache. At least that's what you think he looks like, it's pretty dark. The guy looks up at you and says, “Hey, I know who you are! You're that guy from the TV!�

“I think you've confused me with someone else.�

“No, you're that guy who blew-up the gas station and raped a guy's bear! Dude, you're fucking sick man! And you-you blew up a police station and threw a frying pan at an old lady. You're crazy dog! Can I hitch a ride with you?�

“Sure!�

So you pull the guy from underneath the tires and you stuff him in the car, even though he didn't fit too well. So you guys decide to guy paint-balling and drink vodka. You do this and have a great time.

The next morning you wake up in the middle of the park wearing nothing but khaki shorts and a grenade belt with only one grenade on it. A bunch of kids poke you with sticks but you scare them off once you awaken. You look around, it's a pretty nice, sun-shiney day at the park. You see in the distance a concerned mother talking to a policeman and pointing at you. The park is in the middle of the city with shops and shit.

What do you do?

Steal the cop's gun and run for the forest.