Holy shit

ApTyp · Post by **ApTyp** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 8:43 pm

I'm an alchoholic. What's worse, being sober is boring. What do I do?

VasikkA · Post by **VasikkA** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 8:44 pm

Continue as you were. No booze, no fun.

ApTyp · Post by **ApTyp** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 8:47 pm

I'm serious, dumb shit. I could lose my job.

Snoffy · Post by **Snoffy** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 8:47 pm

You've to smoke tah herb, man.

No seriously, try absinthe or something.

Spazmo · Post by **Spazmo** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 9:06 pm

Well, quitting drinking a no-brainer. But then, what next? Let's explore some alternatives to booze.

Jesus. Lots of people find religion to be an excellent substitute for alcohol as a way to cope with a cold, uncaring universe that just doesn't make any sense. If you like simple answers to difficult questions, not having to think about anything much and getting all your advice from a book written by people who died thousands of years ago, get religion!
Drugs. Well, this isn't much better, since depending on the drug, you'll end up with a similar or much worse problem. Still, this is an excellent choice if you are a loser or atoga.
A strong woman. Probably one of the better substitutes for alcohol as a best friend and source of comfort is a woman who cares about you. That said, since you're a drunken Russian programmer and homely as a mule, this is extremely unlikely.
Vigorous masturbation. This option is interesting because it is simultaneously a substitute for your lack of a strong woman described above. The only problem is that it only lasts until you get rashes. Horrible, horrible rashes.
Mercilessly spamming forums. This will certainly keep you busy, but will leave you only slightly less miserable in moments of self-reflection than you might be when you wake up in the cruel morning face down in a toilet filled with your own vomit, vaguely remembering a torrid night of intravenous vodka shooters some brief time ago.
Computer games. This might work as something to keep you busy and generally keep your mind off of booze in your free time, but the problem is that there's hardly anything worth playing. Of course, there's always Solitaire. Always... forever and ever, until you close your eyes and all you can see is playing cards. CARDS FOREVER! IN EVERY DIRECTION UNTO INFINITY! CARDS, I TELL YOU! CARDS!
Hanging yourself. This is probably the optimal solution, depending on your perspective. If the perspective is "you", then you'll be dead, which is inconvenient to say the least. If, however, the perspective is "me", you'll be dead and I won't have to listen to you complain about your alcohol problem anymore, which is just great.
Art. You might find solace in the throes of creation. Write a play, a novel or a TV show. Things about Victorian era British people living in total misery tend to be popular, or failing that, elves. Start by writing erotic fanfic for your favourite childhood cartoons--you'll find it disturbingly easy! In no time, you'll find yourself delivering literary cockpunches to Hemingway with your latest hugely popular novel, The Spanish Civil War Was For Candyasses.

However, the only really viable option is to wallow in self-pity, eventually crawling back to the bottle and finally dying of liver poisoning. It's what real men do.

ApTyp · Post by **ApTyp** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 9:23 pm

Fuck you.

Blargh · Post by **Blargh** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 9:34 pm

Did you appropriate that, Spazmo ? It does seem familiar. If so - where ? If not - nicely said ? Regardless, reasonably amusing, if hyperbolic.

POOPERSCOOPER · Post by **POOPERSCOOPER** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 9:51 pm

Stop drinking. You'll feel lost at first but then you will regain your strength and became a woman once more.

PiP · Post by **PiP** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 9:53 pm

watch FightClub (again) and attend some sessions for alcoholics. (AA club meeting or something?)

Subhuman · Post by **Subhuman** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 10:49 pm

Start smoking.

Thor Kaufman · Post by **Thor Kaufman** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 10:57 pm

cut off your balls

Fez · Post by **Fez** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 11:06 pm

You should at least try the AA. They will be able to talk you through options.

Mandalorian FaLLouT GoD · Thu Jul 07, 2005 2:03 am

ApTyp wrote:Fuck you.

Stop being such a cockswallower and stop drinking so much you pussy.

ApTyp · Post by **ApTyp** » Thu Jul 07, 2005 2:45 am

No one understands me

Except maybe Killzig. But I don't like football.

Spazmo · Post by **Spazmo** » Thu Jul 07, 2005 2:50 am

Blargh wrote:Did you appropriate that, Spazmo ? It does seem familiar. If so - where ?

Having read approximately 98% of everything that has ever been written (I cannot stomach that atrocious Danielle Steele, who accounts for the remaining 2%), my subconscious may have salvaged it from something somewhere sometime by someone, but otherwise, no, pulled out of my ass live on demand.

If not - nicely said ? Regardless, reasonably amusing, if hyperbolic.

How kind.

vendetta · Post by **vendetta** » Thu Jul 07, 2005 2:50 am

Finding another source of addiction to control your worthless and futile existence won't help. You'll have to accept the fact that you need to help yourself first, and do some personal sacrifices.

ApTyp · Post by **ApTyp** » Thu Jul 07, 2005 2:53 am

So what, I should go soul surfing?

Subhuman · Post by **Subhuman** » Thu Jul 07, 2005 2:58 am

If by "soul surfing" you mean "go to an AA meeting".

Megatron · Post by **Megatron** » Thu Jul 07, 2005 3:20 am

well the first step is admitting it, in real life and not on the internet. the second step is not drinking. from there on i think it's pretty easy.

ApTyp · Post by **ApTyp** » Thu Jul 07, 2005 3:21 am

I'll be fine, thank you.