It was a glorious day outside. The sun was shining, the sky was a perfect hue of orange. You could hear the chirping of birds and the blazing of gunshots in the distance. I breathed in the heavy smoke emitting from one of the old strip clubs which had been converted to a fire pit for all the non-believers. What a magnificent day it was outside I thought to myself as I crossed the collapsed bridge.
Despite the day's excellence, it was a very important day for I, James Stanley Peter Johnson, was chosen by our town's elders to deliver a message of great... importance.
As I headed toward the town gates I was approached by one of my friends, the astute Bergt. “Hey James Stanley Peter Johnson, whatcha doin'?�
“Well I was chosen by the elders to deliver a very important message, wanna come?�
“Okay!�
And so we left town and into the wild wilderness to deliver the message of grave importance. As we walked we saw a ghoul in the distance. We went up to the ghoul.
“Hello Mr. ghoul,� says I. “What are you doing here?�
He didn't answer and instead tried to bite Bergt's head off. I tried to push the ghoul off my friend, but he threw me to the ground and screamed at me.
“James Stanley Peter Johnson, do SOMETHING!!� Bergt screamed as the ghoul dug its decaying claws into his shoulders.
I looked around and saw a rock. I threw the rock at the ghoul's head and his head immediately popped off on impact. The ghoul body collapsed onto the ground.
“Are you okay Berght?� I inquired.
“Yes, but look!� He pointed at the ghoul's head which began to crawl away because it grew 300 tiny little legs. It disappeared into the forest. We laughed it off and continued walking.
Pretty soon it got really dark so we made camp. We both ate some of the corpses that were lying outside of town and slept peacefully until--
“James?�
“Yeah� says I.
Berght turned in his human carcass, “Who are we delivering this message to anyway?�
“Oh,� I was dumbfounded. “I don't know, but it must be someone very important.�
“Oh. What is the message anyway?�
I dug into my pocket and pulled out the message which was contained in a pretty sweet envelope. “I don't know, I didn't check.� And I wasn't sure if I should but before I knew it I tore the envelope open and looked within the envelope, but before I could a giant red frog came out of nowhere and pulled the envelope into its mouth with its mighty tongue. As bustled back into the woods.
I immediately stood up, “We have to go get it!�
Bergt and I ran after the frog. It was as elusive as it was mighty. We both decided to split up. I ran west and eventually found myself at a pond. It was a small pool but it was amazingly majestic, the waters that filled the pool were the colors of lovely tangerines. It glowed and shimmered under the moon. I sunk my hands into the pool and drank the water. I wasn't able to see my face in the water but I was pretty sure it was safe to drink, and it was sure delectable nevertheless.
As I sat on the dirt in front of the pond, contemplating the simple wonders of nature I heard a rustling in one of the bushes behind me. I got up and turned around.
“Hello?� says I.
No answer.
I looked into one of the bushes and say a little squirrel juggling his furry little hands between two nuts.
“Hello Mr. Squirrel, have you seen my friend anywhere?�
The squirrel shook his head, no.
It was a cute squirrel indeed. Its eyes lit up as I looked down upon it. It was still one of those baby squirrels. I figured why not and hate the little guy. He was quite delicious.
I eventually went back to camp, assuming that Bergt would be there but he was not. I was very sad and headed back home. The sun soon came back as I skipped merrily upon the scorched earth. I made it back home and told the elders that I had delivered the message which was a bull-faced lie, but they bought it. I was very happy and was awarded a passionate night with one of the maidens of the town. That was a wonderful night until I realized that I had made a bull-face lie and left my friend out in the forest. I couldn't sleep for a while until I realized that he most likely got the message back and delivered it safely. He was a keen fighter of toads. He would then come back and I would kill him and that would be the end of that.
I proceeded to sleep after convincing myself that everything was going to be dandy until I woke up with a thick, sweaty tongue on my chest. I looked up and the giant frog was in my room. Before I was able to scream it sucked me up and I was thoroughly digested in one of its many stomachs. It was okay, but I was eventually pooped out into that pond from before. I was alright considering everything, especially after I found the envelope right beside me. I stood right up and raised the envelope toward the heavens.
I looked into the envelope but to my surprise there was no message.
“Do not fret. I have received the message.� The frog approached me as it spoke with a very wise voice. “Everything shall be fine now. Your friend is safe, but he is still lost in the forest. You must save him.�
I said, “Yeah right! Frogs can't talk!� Then I ran up to the frog and tore it open and pulled out its guts. As I did so the souls of those who have fallen to frog-related ailments soared from its body stuffs and into the night sky, where they exploded into the millions of stars.
25 years later I found myself in a little cottage out in the woods. I was an old man now, but I didn't mind because I knew now that the world is something that will forever be shaped by our actions, but not consumed by them.
As I sat on the porch and starting knitting my life story into an endless quilt the blue sky opened up and Rosie O'Donell's head flew through the portal and opened up a new dimension and all these demons can flying out and started eating everything in sight and the world was eventually thrown into the sun and the sun was eaten by the children of Rosie O'Donell's sour pickles and were immediately incinerated into the night sky and then were we all killed for some reason!
The END!?!?!
